The following was originally posted last May. As Mother’s Day approaches, I thought I would bring it back as a reminder to reach out in love to the women in our midst who may be facing the challenge of not mothering their children.
There are women all around us who are feeling the aches of a lost child, a failed hope, a lost dream. You may know her, you may be her: the mom whose daughter died just days before her fifth birthday, the mom who’s suffering a second miscarriage in two years, the woman who yearns to become a mom yet struggles with infertility.
Between my first and second children, I miscarried three times in the course of eleven months. While it’s true that I was already a mom, I desperately yearned to have more children. To become pregnant and to have it end abruptly was heartbreaking, over and over.
And over again.
Another sad but true fact about that time is that the very sight of pregnant women, friends or not, often had the power to prompt anger or resentment in me. I am sure I am not the only one who has felt that. There are probably women you know who struggle with that today. Perhaps you are one of them. I am thankful that God has worked that out, at least over that issue. Though it is a powerful reminder to me of the danger of envy.
There are all sorts of platitudes that we can share with a woman struggling with issues of infertility or miscarriage. Believe me, I heard a lot of them. I’m not sure that there is a universal “great-way-to-respond.” But, as we approach Mother’s Day, there may be a woman in your midst for whom Sunday will be very difficult. Here are some thoughts about how to think about her situation:
- Ask if she wants to talk about it. I was really helped by the opportunity to share what happened to me. So if you’re not squeamish, offer to listen. (Thank you, Christina and Julie and Jessika!)
- Take a surprise meal. There were days when my motivation was at an all-time low. Since I love to eat, food was a great comforter to me — as long as I didn’t need to fix it. It’s a great way to show someone you care, provided that it doesn’t feel like a charity donation, but rather a joyful surprise.
- Invite her (and hubby and/or kids) for a fun activity. Being stuck at home can leave us focused on our sadness of state. Distractions and looking outside ourselves can be really helpful.
- Pray for her. I’m sure there were more friends praying for me than I knew at the time. God has brought great healing since then — and five more children! Lift her up to the Only One who truly knows what she feels and what she needs.
- Don’t be embarassed that you have kids or are pregnant when she is not. Children are a blessing! That said, try not to complain about how hard your life is. It may be really hard at times, but I would bet she’d give anything to have the trials you have. If she seems receptive, invite her to be a part of your day-to-day lives. This may be a little difficult to discern. Everyone is different, but be mindful of including her in your life.
- Love her. Call her. Just talk to her. Be her friend.
What can you do to love the woman who hurts? How have others loved you? Share it in the comments.
*art – allposters
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I lost Isaiah before I had any childrn. I was just into the ‘safe zone’ at 15 weeks.
I am planning on doing a post about him sometime this month in hopes of helping someone get through it.
There are so many sweet unborn babies up in Heaven!
These are good thoughts!
I also have a Heaven baby, but I am also blessed to have a wonderful son here on earth. I also have a few friends who are in that struggling stage of desperately wanting to be a mother. I try to be sympathetic to their feelings, and not complain about situations that they only wish they could be in. My prayer each day is that the Lord answer this prayer for them. Thanks for reminding us to be compassionate to those who long to be a Mother on this up-coming Mother’s day.
I wish that we lived closer so that you could bring on over one of those great meals! I would not feel it’s charity.
Thanks for your post.
Thank you for this post. As you know, I had two miscarriages in fourth months. Then was diagnosed with a mild form of factor 5 (blood clotting disorder in pregnancy) and PCOS. Because I have a two year old, people constantly reminded me "atleast you have a baby, some have none." It was very painful to hear because it was like people were telling me to not be sad or I didn't have a right to be sad. We still want more children and Lord willing we will have more now that we know what could be causing this problem. So the only thing I could think to add to this conversation is to ask readers to please remember when talking to someone who is encountering secondary infertility, to please be kind and not shove in her face she already has a child. Secondary infertility is painful too. I remember telling my dental tech that was cleaning my teeth I had just miscarried and had a d&c. She asked how far along I was, when I told her 6 weeks, she said, "that is nothing, my cousin lost her baby at nine months." I felt so crushed. While yes, it is beyond painful to think about someone loosing a baby at nine months (or ever for that matter) it is not "nothing" to have a miscarriage. I guess what I am fumbling to say is, we as women need to support and listen to each other more and ultimately show compassion reguardless of the situation the mother faces in her journery of motherhood.
I miscarried in between my 2 boys while it seemed that everyone around me was pregnant. I even met 2 different women who had the same due date that I would have had within 2 weeks of that date. It was nice that people let me talk about it without being awkward toward me. As for loving others, the lady who watches my little guys when I need to actually go out to work (I work mostly from home) was never able to have children. She delights in being a part-time mommy to the little ones she cares for in her home and does a wonderful job with them. We are going to bring her a bouquet of flowers this weekend to help her celebrate Mother’s Day. I think she’s just as much a mom as the rest of us!
A little different take on this, but I think it will be okay. I have never miscarried, or lost a child. But many years ago, a woman in our church died leaving a husband and a daughter around eleven years old. It was right before Mother’s Day. The first Mother’s Day without her mom I am sure was difficult. My husband invited them over after church for lunch on that Mother’s day. I think I cooked lunch, but my husband and kids bought me a cake that was boxed like roses. It had Happy Mother’s Day, so it was a definite reminder of the day. I felt like it was a bad idea to invite the widow and his daughter, but the invitation was already extended. We all had the best time, as it ended up! I am so glad my husband was wiser than me, and that they joined us. As I look back, I think it helped them. What if they had gone home to an empty house? What if they had gone out to eat, and saw all the others at the restaurant with their mom. I know it must have been on their hearts while at our home, but in this case, I think it lessened the pain at least a little, for a short time.
Carla
I love this post as much this time around as I did last year. And your readers’ heartfelt and moving comments have me in tears! I love Carla’s reminder of the motherless daughters (and sons) in our midst. I love the idea of using Mother’s Day as a day of giving and reaching out in compassion and love, not only to Mothers, but to those who may be hurting.
MamaLibby
I lost my mother last year in February and I had just started a new job so I knew no one very well. One girl, jeannie, let me talk and say just about anything I needed about my mom and she didn’t complain once. We are good friends now. Little things would come up during the day and we would make jokes or laugh at something my mother might have done or said. I probably would be in a lot worse shape if it weren’t for her. She will never know just how much she helped me at a difficult time. I love you Jeannie.
This post last year is what made me a devoted reader….. I have 3 angel babies myself and I clearly remember the grief that I went through. It was important for me to be allowed “my” time to mourn. I think a lot of people wanted me to get over it quickly and it took me a while…. everyone grieves at their own pace and I suppose mine was slow. I really appreciated the friends and family who granted me as much time as I needed.
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