How I Lost 20 Pounds in 2 Minutes

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I knew I had put on a few pounds over the last few months. My clothes haven’t been fitting as well as they were when we first moved here. I call it, “lactation weight.” You know, the Big Mac you eat because, after all, “you are eating for two.” Or the extra helping of pie because you “want to make sure you’re getting enough calories to keep up your milk supply.”

Yeah. Uh-huh.

So it was with a little fear and trepidation that I stepped on the scale the other night while a couple of the kids were in the bathtub. I almost had a heart attack as the little line-thingamagig bolted far past where I expected it to land. Way far. Way. too. far.

Hmm…maybe someone messed with the adjustment dial.

I stepped off and let it reset, thinking it would land below zero. Nope. The line was pointing exactly to zero. I stepped back on.

Hmm…maybe the scale isn’t resting flat on the ground. Maybe it’s straddling the grout, and that’s making it read wrong.

I stepped off and repositioned the scale squarely in the middle of the floor tile and stepped back on.

Oh my gosh! I have been watching way too much Food Network! I am huge! I weigh like I’m nine months pregnant! What am I going to do?????

Put down the baby.

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  1. That is absolutely hysterical! Now, if only I could get rid of the baby weight that I’m carrying…but I can’t since I’m pregnant. 🙂

  2. Oh my! How funny. So glad you were able to shed the pounds quickly, and now you know how much the baby weighs! 😉

  3. That cracked me up! I can definitely relate. I often look around and think, “Where’s the baby?” only to realize that I’m holding him. You get so used to holding babies, they just seem like they belong there. My husband calls our youngest son “the appendage.” 🙂

    Love your blog. I’ve been reading for a few weeks and enjoying it!

  4. That was super funny. I could so relate to your inner thoughts about the scale needing fixed. 🙂
    And, then I was getting really nervous for you. Then I read the last line. Very funny and very well written to deliver quite a laugh. 🙂

  5. OH my goodness. You are kidding right???? LOL…I’m cracking up…oh man!

  6. once again, you have just made my day! I’m about in tears and so are the many others i’ve told about this post today!
    thanks for perking up an otherwise “blah” monday!!!

    Keep up the funny business!!

  7. This was PRICELESS! My daughter sent me the link to your post today. I t made me remember the day I stepped on the scale with a little trepidation as I dieting. …I stepped on and the suddenly thoght to myself..”take your hands out of your pockets, silly!” I don’t know what I thought that was going to do…God bless:)

  8. Love it. I too, am chasing down the wagon. Love the new look of your blog too (been a while since I visited outside of Google Reader).

  9. Love it! Isn’t it funny how they just become attached and stay that way?

  10. I’m with you in spirit. Not sure I’ve ever done it, but it’s just like something I *would* do.
    Thanks for sharing this oldie-but-goodie!