When Do You Say When? Part One in the Series
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I’ve been mulling this topic around in my head for weeks. Readers have emailed or commented and asked the question in various forms. I, personally, have also wondered about it.
When Do You Say When?
Prior to my last delivery, I thought I was “done” having children. But, by the time my doc came to discharge me, I wasn’t so sure. I don’t have a hard and fast answer, but I’m thinking through it, talking about it with my hubby, and wondering. Since others are asking me, too, I’m bravely venturing forth to broach the topic here.
I gain such good insight from our “from the heart” conversations here. So, I’m hoping we can “talk” about it over the next couple weeks. If you think you have “a hard and fast answer,” I trust that you will kindly and gently communicate it to the rest of us.
No two women have the same history or experience. We cannot really walk in each other’s shoes. That is an understanding I’m gaining as I get older. In my twenties, I thought I knew everything. And I didn’t keep it a secret.
Now, I’m learning how very much I don’t know. Back then I also believed I controlled my life. Hmm….Today I thought I would tell my story of how I learned how much I don’t control.
Our Story
I never planned to have six children. Who does?
In fact, at one point I had sworn off marriage and children completely. Then I met Mr. Right For Me. Building a family with him sounded wonderful — not just because he was strong and handsome. But, also because he listened to me, challenged me to grow, and loved children. He knew how to get down on their level and be gentle. I knew he would be a great father.
When we were newlyweds we debated over whether or not to have two or three children. He said two. I said three. A missions trip to Honduras had him saying four and had me staring with my eyes bugging out. Regardless, in today’s society, any number we were considering was “large.”
But, our thinking was that we got to choose. In our premarital counseling we were warned to double or triple up on birth control. We were to dictate how and when we would start a family.
And with our first child, that is certainly how it appeared. I got pregnant within two weeks of our deciding we were “ready.” My pregnancy was pretty uncomplicated. And we went home with our little bundle of joy in the ignorance that all first-time parents share. Life was moving like clockwork.
A few months after our firstborn turned one, I became pregnant. This wasn’t “planned” in the true sense of the word. But we were excited about the prospect of growing our family. And we shared that excitement with everyone we knew. I found a great midwife and expected that life would continue “like clockwork.”
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Unwelcomed surprises
When I started bleeding at nine weeks, I jumped to panic mode. A call to my midwife left me hoping that it was “just implantation bleeding.” However, an ultrasound the next day revealed that the baby had died. I remember heading to the bathroom to relieve my full bladder and seeing more blood.
This cannot be happening to me.
We had left my mom in charge of our son. They came outside as we drove up the driveway. I remember the look on her face as we told her the baby died. And, the thought still makes me tear up. She was shocked.
This cannot be happening to me.
We decided to let my body naturally miscarry, rather than have a D and C. The midwife said it would probably be complete in a day or two. It actually took a week. It was late January, rainy season for California, but also the time of year when you can get the ground ready for planting. I remember heading out to dig in the garden, trying to pass the time, waiting for the nightmare to be over.
No matter what I wanted, no matter how hard I prayed, I could not save this baby. I could not change my circumstances. I could not control this. But as smart as I think I am, it took more than one loss to teach me this.
I lost a baby in January. I conceived again in May and lost that baby in June. I became pregnant again in late September. That baby died in November. Each time I ate all the “right things.” Did all the “right things.” But there were still things that were out of my control.
This cannot be happening to me.
Do we get to have our way?
Let us not be arrogant to think that things will always go according to our plans. You know this. But, we forget it when we think about planning our families.
Obviously, that is not the end of the story. But, I wanted to lay some groundwork in thinking about “when we say when.” Let’s not kid ourselves that it will go exactly our way. Instead, let’s walk humbly as we think about having babies, building families.
The Lord certainly humbled us in 1999 when it didn’t go the way we planned it. But it granted us such thankfulness for our one child, and such great joy for the ones that He later gave us.
Have things not gone according to your family planning?
How have you seen good fruit from that? Please share it in the comments. And, please, due to the sensitivity of this topic, let’s use our “big girl” words. Looking forward to “talking” about it.
The conversation continues…. Part Two,
As my husband and I have recently decided to try for a third, we are not done having children. However, it seems there is a common theme among women who experience a very difficult pregnancy and/or birth and just can’t fathom going through another pregnancy. My parents were married at 19 and started having children at 20, for a total of 8 kids over 19 years. Between each child, (except for the first 2 which ended up being only 13 months apart!) my mom used birth control—she tried different kinds. I remember asking her once as a teenager what made her decide to keep having more children. She said as soon as the “baby” was potty trained, and began acting older, she just had that ache for another infant. She was a hard-working, stay at home mom, my dad is a minister, and they just have such a love for children. Unfortunately, with the last baby when she was 39, she suffered a very serious hemorrhage that resulted in an emergency c-section. It took her months to recover. I believe that was the point they decided that 8 was a perfect number for them.
Before we got married during counseling we both said we wanted 5 kids. My hubby is from a family of 4 kids and I am from a family with 7 kids. Well our first was sort of a surprise…I don’t really have a problem getting pregnant. My pregnancies are VERY ROUGH. LOTS OF VOMITING and it doesn’t stop until I deliver. When we got pregnant the second time we were excited but things went wrong. To make long story short it looks like my second child Jude was a twin and I lost one, but that was a roller coaster of a ride. After Jude I had another miscarriage. This one rocked my world. I like you….weeded and put in a whole front yard landscaping while miscarrying. I needed to do something physical. Through the miscarriage I found out about a growth I have that cannot be removed and can cause future miscarriages if implantation happens there. But I really wanted more kids and I wanted to have Hope to believe the best. God blessed us with little Adelee. Although the pregnancy was rocked with trials and many opportunities to trust God and her whole first days of life (she turned blue the day we brought her home and had to spend some time back in the NICU) she is now our little miracle and joy and blessing. All through her pregnancy my husband kept saying this was it. I never make any promises while pregnant….it isn’t fair when I really hate being pregnant but love babies. So the day she was born I looked at her and said she is not it, I want another. My hubby said we would talk about it.
Well before her first birthday we became pregnant again (using protection….it was a surprise). We both were excited and coming up with names and such. We went in for an ultrasound to make sure that it implanted in the right spot relative to the growth and it had. Things were looking great and we saw the little peanut’s heartbeat. I was not ready for the next appointment and the blow that the baby had died and I would be facing another impending miscarriage. I too have avoided D and C on my doctors recommendation and due to the high risk with the growth I have. So here I am again. I really want more. I think I would really like 5 but I have gotten my hubby to agree to one more. He says that is it. So I am praying once again. Hoping. But I know God’s plans are best.
It is hard to know when to say when especially where there are difficulties and problems and you are so right every person and family is different.
I just wonder to those who have called it quits…(other than those with medical problems I understand their reasons) how did you know? Was it hard? Were you sad but just knew it was time? Or did you know it was time and feel happy or ready for the next season? I am kind of wondering if I will have another baby and still feel like I don’t want to stop. I wonder if I will have to just make that decision against feelings. I wonder if I will have more miscarriages and the pain of that will bend my will to quit.
I do know the number isn’t that far off for me. I think the Duggar family is great too but no way could my body or my personality ever do that. Plus I live in LA my house and our income could never manage that. HEE HEE. So there is an ending near in site.
Thanks for doing this post. I really would love to hear from those that are officially done. Their thoughts feelings etc. How they went through the whole process. It is such a big decision. Having walked through it already their wisdom and life experience would be so helpful.
We were four months pregnant with Mr. Dramatic when we were wed. So we didn’t exactly plan for him…but I like to explain it like this: he may have been an unplanned pregnancy, but he was very much wanted. We didn’t use birth control after he was born (naively because we thought that breastfeeding WAS birth control….lol) and when he weaned himself at thirteen months, I became pregnant with Mr. Independent. After him we thought we were done. We didn’t do anything permanent at the time, but we used the birth control every time. At first we were using a diaphragm, which worked great until I got horrible yeast infections…those are effective birth control too…lol! So then we decided to go on hormonal birth control. I didn’t want to, because I am really sensitive to medication of any kind. We chose the low dose Nuvaring. It was like the best of both worlds! Until I found out that I was pregnant and still using the Nuvaring…did I mention that I was bleeding at the same time? After several trips to the doctor for HcG counts, I had an ultrasound that finalized the awful reality…no baby. I don’t even know how far along I was… all I knew was that I had opened up my heart and now it was broken, shattered.
It was after the miscarriage that we realized that we wanted one more in our family. It felt like someone was missing. No, we didn’t have Miss Precious to fill the void that the previous baby left. She isn’t a replacement baby. But she does bring us so much joy and our family now feels complete. Three on earth and one in heaven waiting for us to meet.
As I had kidney stone episodes (the last one landed me in the hospital for SEVEN days) with all three pregnancies, we deemed it advisable to not have any more kids. Unbeknownst to me until this last hospital episode, kidney stones while pregnant can induce premature labor. And if the stones are obstructing, it can be fatal for the mother too. We didn’t want to risk it so the day after Miss Precious was born I went in for a tubal ligation. We had prayed about it a lot before actually going through with it. And I feel at peace.
I am content with my three blessings 🙂
@MamaLibby:
Fertility treatments are not cheating…God is the one Who gives the doctors wisdom for things like that. We all take medicine…what is the difference? Children are brought into our lives by all different methods. Who am I to judge how God brings blessings into another’s life? 🙂
What a great post. I can especially relate to the “I knew everything in my twenties…” remark. 😉 Funny how the older we get and the more we learn, the LESS we know, huh?
Our experience started with a painful three-year infertility struggle. We have a happy ending (well… I don’t know that it’s an ending, really) to our story however. We’ve been blessed with three healthy children.
When to stop? We don’t know. Honestly and without any judging of how others view the issue, we just aren’t too sure that our place is to decide our own family planning. Hmmm… maybe we feel that way because we’ve been there, tried that, and God seems to do what He wants in his perfect time and his perfect way, anyway. 😉
I look forward to this continued conversation! Thanks!
Whew. This an emotional topic and your post began the conversation beautifully. Thank you for addressing it.
I could probably write about this all day, but since the conversation will continue for a few weeks, I will answer the question from this week. I grew up in a family of two children and always wished for a bigger family. When I met my husband, we “decided” on three, but as you and the other readers wisely noted, planning and having are two different things entirely.
It took us three years and a lot of infertility treamtments to conceive our oldest son and subsequently our twins (now 3). I am painfully aware that some people of faith might feel as though this is “breaking the rules” and that if God intended us to have children, he might have provided them “unassisted.” For me, I look at my children and their pure, beautiful, loving hearts and cannot imagine that they were not meant to be here. My journey through infertility tested my faith in the most extreme way…I raged at God and myself, tried promises and bargaining and prayed pretty much constantly that God would make me a mother in the way that He intended.
Now, a few years out, I struggle with being “done” or not. Yes, I am done with infertility treatments. But I think and pray about a miracle baby, adoption, fostering…so many ways to create a family. I look forward to continuing the conversation, and love gaining insight from you, Jessica, and all of you commenting.
I got pregnant the day we decided to start trying. At 25 weeks, Addyson was born way too early. She’s now 18 months old and we are very grateful for her precious life. Because the doctors can’t guarantee it won’t happen again, we’ve decided to stop at one. It’s actually a good thing for us. Nick only wanted one to begin with and now I don’t have to blame him for the fact that we won’t have more. Addy is a handful, especially with her medical needs, so I really can’t imagine taking on more children.
Secretly I envy those families like the Duggars who have 17+ children and live very simply. It’s not for us, but I wouldn’t have minded being born into a family like that!
What an inspiring and thoughtful post.
We found out we were pregnant 2 days before our wedding. We ended up miscarrying at 14 weeks and it was so very hard for me especially. We soon got pregnant again but again miscarried at 6 weeks.
It took almost 2 years before we became pregnant with Curly Girl but the miscarriages were always in our minds.
We didn’t have any problems getting pregnant with Munchkin. That was 2 years ago and we haven’t conceived again since.
I always wanted to have 3 or 4 kids but I’m getting older now and I just don’t know if that’s what God wants for us. For now, we’re just leaving it in His hands and we’ll see what the future holds for us.
When my husband and I got married we figured we would just have two kids a few years apart and we would be good. When my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage it was quite a shock. That was followed by two more miscarriages. We reached a point where we had given up on having a child of our own and started looking at adoption. About two months after we started researching adoption agencies I found out I was pregnant again so we couldn’t continue with any adoption processes. Thankfully that baby was born healthy. We both feel very blessed to have her in our lives and I feel like we appreciate her so much more because of everything we went through to have her.
My husband and I have talked about trying to have another child, but quite frankly I am scared to try. The miscarriages were very hard on me and I don’t know if I could handle another. That said, I really would love for my daughter to have a sibling. So for now we’re leaving it in Gods hands. At this point I figure that whatever is meant to happen will happen.
My “family planning” had me having 2 children by 30 and then maybe another one. I was 27 when we had our little boy. I will be 30 in January and we are still trying for number 2. We have been trying well over a year now and it just doesn’t seem to be happening. sniff! I have been told that the second can a be a lot harder than the first. We had no problem getting pregnant the first time (3 months after starting to try). Things just aren’t going as planned. Hmmmm! The Lord has really been using this to stretch my complete trust in Him.
Thank you for your candidness and transparency in this post, Jessica. Thank you, also, for not filling it with euphemisms (just a personal pet peeve of mine…)
My husband and I always figured we’d shoot for three kids (perhaps because we are each the youngest of three?). My daughter’s early arrival has left my husband a bit wary to even try again. Seeing the beauty of my kids’ super-close relationship has left me wanting a couple more…
I’m really not sure how it will all work out. For now, I pray a lot… and I talk to my hubby a lot… and I truly trust the God will have the final say.