When Do You Say When? Part One in the Series
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I’ve been mulling this topic around in my head for weeks. Readers have emailed or commented and asked the question in various forms. I, personally, have also wondered about it.
When Do You Say When?
Prior to my last delivery, I thought I was “done” having children. But, by the time my doc came to discharge me, I wasn’t so sure. I don’t have a hard and fast answer, but I’m thinking through it, talking about it with my hubby, and wondering. Since others are asking me, too, I’m bravely venturing forth to broach the topic here.
I gain such good insight from our “from the heart” conversations here. So, I’m hoping we can “talk” about it over the next couple weeks. If you think you have “a hard and fast answer,” I trust that you will kindly and gently communicate it to the rest of us.
No two women have the same history or experience. We cannot really walk in each other’s shoes. That is an understanding I’m gaining as I get older. In my twenties, I thought I knew everything. And I didn’t keep it a secret.
Now, I’m learning how very much I don’t know. Back then I also believed I controlled my life. Hmm….Today I thought I would tell my story of how I learned how much I don’t control.
Our Story
I never planned to have six children. Who does?
In fact, at one point I had sworn off marriage and children completely. Then I met Mr. Right For Me. Building a family with him sounded wonderful — not just because he was strong and handsome. But, also because he listened to me, challenged me to grow, and loved children. He knew how to get down on their level and be gentle. I knew he would be a great father.
When we were newlyweds we debated over whether or not to have two or three children. He said two. I said three. A missions trip to Honduras had him saying four and had me staring with my eyes bugging out. Regardless, in today’s society, any number we were considering was “large.”
But, our thinking was that we got to choose. In our premarital counseling we were warned to double or triple up on birth control. We were to dictate how and when we would start a family.
And with our first child, that is certainly how it appeared. I got pregnant within two weeks of our deciding we were “ready.” My pregnancy was pretty uncomplicated. And we went home with our little bundle of joy in the ignorance that all first-time parents share. Life was moving like clockwork.
A few months after our firstborn turned one, I became pregnant. This wasn’t “planned” in the true sense of the word. But we were excited about the prospect of growing our family. And we shared that excitement with everyone we knew. I found a great midwife and expected that life would continue “like clockwork.”
Photo Source
Unwelcomed surprises
When I started bleeding at nine weeks, I jumped to panic mode. A call to my midwife left me hoping that it was “just implantation bleeding.” However, an ultrasound the next day revealed that the baby had died. I remember heading to the bathroom to relieve my full bladder and seeing more blood.
This cannot be happening to me.
We had left my mom in charge of our son. They came outside as we drove up the driveway. I remember the look on her face as we told her the baby died. And, the thought still makes me tear up. She was shocked.
This cannot be happening to me.
We decided to let my body naturally miscarry, rather than have a D and C. The midwife said it would probably be complete in a day or two. It actually took a week. It was late January, rainy season for California, but also the time of year when you can get the ground ready for planting. I remember heading out to dig in the garden, trying to pass the time, waiting for the nightmare to be over.
No matter what I wanted, no matter how hard I prayed, I could not save this baby. I could not change my circumstances. I could not control this. But as smart as I think I am, it took more than one loss to teach me this.
I lost a baby in January. I conceived again in May and lost that baby in June. I became pregnant again in late September. That baby died in November. Each time I ate all the “right things.” Did all the “right things.” But there were still things that were out of my control.
This cannot be happening to me.
Do we get to have our way?
Let us not be arrogant to think that things will always go according to our plans. You know this. But, we forget it when we think about planning our families.
Obviously, that is not the end of the story. But, I wanted to lay some groundwork in thinking about “when we say when.” Let’s not kid ourselves that it will go exactly our way. Instead, let’s walk humbly as we think about having babies, building families.
The Lord certainly humbled us in 1999 when it didn’t go the way we planned it. But it granted us such thankfulness for our one child, and such great joy for the ones that He later gave us.
Have things not gone according to your family planning?
How have you seen good fruit from that? Please share it in the comments. And, please, due to the sensitivity of this topic, let’s use our “big girl” words. Looking forward to “talking” about it.
The conversation continues…. Part Two,
Wow! What a timely post for me. I feel the heartstrings pulling and babyitis calling. We have 7 children. Our oldest has Cerebral Palsy and is in a wheelchair. One of my 7 year old twins has Autism. We also have 2 year old twins. Yet, here I am knowing with all of my heart that if I could be guaranteed: an easy pregnancy, and the stamina to keep up with the rest of them while pregnant-I would have another baby in a heartbeat.
I too have had a miscarriage in the past-twins at 5 weeks. I found out that I was having them, and then an hour later found out by another ultrasound that they were gone. No more heartbeats. I lost them the morning of my oldest twins Birthday. Such an empty feeling of blackness afterwards. I never want to go through that again. It was actually in some ways worse then dealing with my special needs children…
So I’m bartering with God. Wanting things to be perfectly in order or too afraid to try. The baby crib keeps getting moved from room to room. We don’t use it and may not ever again, but I don’t want to give it away-that would be too final.
My 10 year old daughter said “mom, we should just put this over here-cause you never know.” I said “You don’t think mommy’s done having babies?” She just said “ya never know”. Which made me smile, with 6 siblings, the chaos, the stress of special needs she still must like her family enough to be open minded about more. Why can’t I be like her? Just trusting. Where is my faith as a little child?:) As usual my kids are my greatest teachers. What would I do with out them?
You wrote that post so beautifully. Thanks for offering up a chance to have a healthy discussion about this.
My husband and I always knew that we wanted a big family, around 6 kids, but we wanted them on our time table. We prevented for three years, then decided we were ready. We tried for 9 months before getting pregnant. Went in and found that there was no heartbeat. We were devastated. We prayed like crazy. Went back in two weeks later and there was a heartbeat! Then, when we went in for our 16-week ultrasound, they told us there was a fatal defect and we would not be able to carry to term. We did carry to term and our firstborn lived for two hours. God really rocked my world and taught me that I am not in control.
As soon as she was born I was ready to try again. We got pregnant again 3 months later, and our second daughter was born healthy 13 months after the first. I knew we wanted more, so we decided to try again and got pregnant when she was 6 months old. We currently have three healthy daughters all very close together and I find myself still desiring some boys. I pray often that God will provide the boys or help to change my heart to not desire it so strongly. I’m trusting Him to finish my family whenever he sees fit, boys or no boys. My daughters are such incredible blessings that I wasn’t sure we would ever have.
Our family has been blessed with three healthy kiddos and I’m pregnant with #4. I have some back problems (had surgery once) and wasn’t going to have any more after 2. I have been shocked each time I found out I was pregnant again b/c we were trying very hard to avoid, but lest I lose my sanity, I have to fall back on the truth that God loves us and that He will get me through one more pregnancy. If it’s up to me, I am done after this one just for my health. But if we want to grow our family in the future, my husband and I have always been very open to adoption. There’s so many orphans who need parents, and maybe at the right time, we will be able to do that someday. I have no idea how our lives will unfold, but as Corrie Ten Boom said, “His will is our hiding place. Don’t let us go crazy poking about outside of it!”
i was really looking forward to this post all week because this is one of my “freaky thing” on my blog and i’ve been working on my own piece about large families (and i’ve also written about NFP). i loved your honest story. i am so sorry about your miscarriages and elated that you went on to have so many more children. we are sitting at 4 right now and definitely want more, although there are days when i want to scream. i hate when people see me at a low point b/c then they think they can tell you that you don’t “need” more kids. grrr. you are one cool chick, Grocery Goddess.
Thank you for talking about this!! Very timely for me, personally.
I never wanted kids, ever. I was never one of those girls who dreamed of husbands and babies….then I had two kids, both while using birth control (perfectly using, I might add).
After my son was born, my husband and I talked and prayed and thought and dwelled. We went back and forth…some days wanting another, many days wanting to be done. Then I got pregnant this time 🙂
Now I keep having nagging thoughts of just getting my tubes tied this time. I *really* don’t think I want any more….but I said that each time in the past and ended up with beautiful children, who I can’t imagine my life without. The big issue for me is….if I get my tubes tied, I’m basically saying I don’t trust God with that part of my life. I’m trumping his move. And I’m not 100% comfortable making that decision. So I’m really doing a lot of thinking and praying on this subject…
When we got married we knew we wanted kids, but hadn’t really stated a number. Definately 2, maybe up to four…yeah you could tell we were 22 and thought “we” controlled it! LOL! We were told I would need help concieving even before we were married so we weren’t expecting to be pregnant four months later. Then when our son was 15 months we wanted to try for number two. It took us a year to get pregnant with our daughter. Then not trying for a third, we got pregnant with our second daughter when our youngest was 15 months (ironic huh?). My pregnancies are hard. Lots and lots of vomit! I throw up water for crying out loud! I follow that up with c-sections. Oh and this last time I was injecting isulin three times a day thanks to gestational diabetes, and had to be on bed rest for two months. Yeah I hate being pregnant! But I love my babies. It was a hard decision to make, but we are done now. Lots of prayer and time with the Lord showed me that I can’t be the wife and mother I have been called to be if I am always to sick to take care of anyone. We are still praying about adopting someday. I would love more kids. It is so hard not to be bitter when I see women who have such easy pregnancies and deliveries. But I know that isn’t God’s will for everyone. He is writing the story of my life, and I have to trust Him for it.
My husband and I tried for 2 years to get pregnant and decided to go see a doctor to find out whyit wasn’t happening. Turns out I have PCOS and wasn’t ovulating on my own. After an ectopic pregnancy and 3 rounds of insemination we were finally pregnant with our daughter Bella. I had a hard pregnancy and delivered at 34 weeks via emergency c-section. I didn’t really think about trying again because of the emotional roller coaster we had just been on. Howver, I found out I was pregnant naturally when Bella was only 3 months old. My second daughter Olivia was born at 34 weeks also. My girls are 12 months and 1 week apart. I knew I was “done” when I went home without a baby having to leave Olivia in the NICU for a week. I know how lucky I was that she was only there for a week, but it killed me to do so. I felt lucky that I ultimately had 2 healthy girls. I never had the feeling of “I am ready for another baby” since I was pregnant right away. I do love holding other people’s babies, but I feel like my family is complete with just the four of us.
I thought I knew everything in my twenties too! I just recently found out I don’t.
We tried for a long time to have our first son. They said I would have to have surgery in order to carry a baby. We were going to wait a while to have the surgery, but five years later I got pregnant. The doctor said I couldn’t carry to term since I didn’t have the surgery. My baby was born exactly on his due date. Guess the doctors don’t know everything.
Then 10 years later I was surprised to find out I was pregnant again. It was a much harder pregnancy. I was older and more overweight. He was born two weeks early. We decided to stop at two, since I had a harder time with this pregnancy.
I think it’s wonderful that some families can have lots of children. It’s just up to each family to decide if they want to keep trying or not.
We had our daughter 15 months after we got married. I couldn't decide if I wanted to work or not so we kept putting off having a second. When she was 2 1/2 I quit to stay home with her & decided to try for a second 6 months later. We were shocked that it took 7 months to get pregnant since our daughter was conceived on the first try. 11 weeks later the ultrasound showed she had died. My OB recommended a D&C & through testing we found out she had a severe form of Down Syndrome.
We thought & prayed about what to do next but decided to try right away again. Unfortunately it took several months for me to heal. We had always discussed international adoption & felt God leading us to Ethiopia. 2 months ago we brought home our now 9 month old son!! What a blessing!
We know we want more. Biological we aren't sure about – will we get pregnant again? Will the baby live? We definitely want to go back to Ethiopia & adopt a sibling group. We just need patience to wait the 3 or 4 years it will take to save up the money again.
I agree with one of the other comments – families are created in lots of different ways. I love my son the same as my daughters!! And I also wish I could live with the Duggars!! 🙂
Amy
I too have lost three babies and it still seems raw doesn’t it, even after 2 healthy boys. I have slowly learned that my plans are not necessarily HIS plans and boy is that a tough one to swallow when it comes to what we want most. hugs for talking so freely and openly….. and thank you.