Christmas For Those Who Grieve or Struggle
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My mother-in-law passed away a year ago today. Needless to say, it was a rough Christmas. And in many ways, it’s been a rough year. There are many precious memories to remember as well as many memories left unmade. The following was originally posted December 23, 2008. I offer it up as a reminder to us all that sometimes, Christmas isn’t so merry. I don’t want to be a lead-balloon, but just a quiet voice to nudge us to think outside the holiday box.
This past week my eyes are opened to the realization that for some people Christmas will not be so merry. For our family, we are grieving the loss of someone we loved very much.
We spent several Christmases with my mother-in-law, and now, everywhere I turn something reminds me of her.
- A brightly colored sweater that would look great on her.
- The gingerbread house kits that she always enjoyed getting for the kids.
- A funny thing that one of the kids says or does that I know she would chuckle at. I can almost hear her laughter.
Christmas is not quite as merry this year. And all of a sudden, I see that we are not the only ones. There are families, maybe you, maybe your neighbor, who are struggling with job losses, over-whelming debts, illness, separation, imprisonment, or death.
It’s been so easy for me in my little cave to go about my business, to plan all sorts of entertainments for my children, and not to think about what other people are experiencing. And now my eyes are opening a little more.
There are those out there for whom Christmas will not be so merry.
— the family who lost their daughter just days before her fifth birthday.
— the woman whose husband is deployed and living a life of danger so that we may be free.
— the couple pursuing adoption whose birth mother changes her mind after they’ve already placed their new son into their home and into their hearts.
— the dad who is struggling to make ends meet yet fears the layoffs.
These are real scenarios. Real people. And Christmas will be different this year.
I mention this as a gentle reminder for myself and for you to think about what we can do to bring comfort to others who might not be having so merry a Christmas. Consider one of these small acts of kindness to perform this week and then again next month when the excitement has died down but the troubles perhaps have not.
- Call and have a conversation. Find out how they are doing. Don’t be afraid of their sadness. Walk alongside them.
- Extend an invitation to dinner. It may feel awkward at first. But be real. Be a friend.
- Take them a meal so that they can have a night off cooking. Food doesn’t solve life’s problems, but it is a comfort.
- Offer to watch the kids so the couple can have a date, or so the single parent can have a little down time.
These are just my first thoughts. Anybody else have some ideas? Please tell us in the comments section.
WOW, I was sitting here at work and thinking of my mom who died 1-30-08 suddenly and how Christmas just doesn't feel the same anymore and on verge of tears. The first Christmas and Thanksgiving everyone came out the woodwork and called and checked on my family and kids, but I guess now people just sort of forget. It is good to remember that we aren't all alone in our sorrow.
Heather
Thank you for posting this. We lost my husband October 31 from complications of H1N1. He was 44 years old. While I'm trying to keep Christmas as positive as possible for my three kids, it is nice to know that I'm not alone in missing a loved one this Christmas.
I feel so sad for the sorrow you have all voiced. I hope that, though the season will be hard, it can also be a comfort to you because we celebrate when Christ came to the earth. He came to suffer sorrow so he would know how to comfort us; He came so that we might all live again some day. Thank you for the reminder that we need to look out for those around us who need a loving arm.
Thank you for this. My mother in law died last week. And I lost my own mother two weeks after Christmas. Sometimes life is just hard.
My grandma died this morning. What timing to read your post! Although she was almost 92 and lived a full life it is still sad. There will be a loss in our family for sure.
Best of luck to all of you out there dealing with the same kind of thing.
I know what you mean. I spent my
25th wedding anniversary (4 years ago) at my mother-in-law's wake. I miss her all the time, even though her passing was a blessing due to her numerous health problems. Diabetes caused her to have heart and kidney problems, among others, and in her last few years she fell further into dementia. The woman we knew was long gone before she really left us…yet I'd still love to be able to have a talk with her again!
I'll never stop missing her, or my father-in-law, or my dad or my two brothers, but I promise you, it does hurt a little less over time.
Thank you so much for writing this, FishMama.
My Dad is in the ICU and will remain there until he is strong enough to go to a care facility. Because of the need for 24-hour medical care, he will not be able to come home. My Mom and I are reeling and are just working on managing one day at a time.
Even though you asked me yesterday how we're doing, ask me again tomorrow–next month–next year. Our lives won't be the same any longer and it helps to have a shoulder to cry on.
Many hugs to you, your family, and all the others who have commented.
Well said. Christmas was hard when I was going through infertility. Luckily I have my son now, but I won't forget those years listening to the part on Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas when it says "Next year all our troubles will be miles away" over and over agin and crying.
My heart goes out to all of you who have troubles this year.
We lost out daughter nearly 2 years ago. Here's a post I did on helping the grieving parent: http://raising-arrows.blogspot.com/2009/10/grief-what-can-i-do.html
As far as Christmas in particular…REMEMBER. I mention that in the post I did, but it really deserves saying it again. Remember their troubles, their child, their grandmother, their heartache…
A child of a friend died a few months after Emily did and we keep a purple ribbon in her honor next to one of Emily's ornaments on the Christmas tree. It's a small thing, but it shows we remember…not just our daughter, but hers as well.
{{HUGS}} to all,
Amy
God's fingerprints are on and in this post. Einstein said "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous". Every post so far mentions that coincidence in some way. I think there will be many more. God bless us, every one.