Forgive me if you’ve heard this story before. But, today is a special day in my family. Not only is it FishBoy8’s 9th birthday, but it also marks a good, but painful journey that God took us down ten years ago in teaching us about Himself, His Sovereignty, and His Great Love for us. Amazing to me that it’s been ten years. Never thought I’d see the day — or that I’d have SIX KIDS when it happened.
When I grocery shop with my children, I attract a fair amount of attention. My mom would say that it is because I have such beautiful kiddos. (Of course she would say that!) But, in reality one of the reasons that we stop traffic is that we somewhat resemble Mrs. Mallard and her babes marching on down to the Public Gardens . Make way for me and my ducklings! When I hit the aisles at Stuff Mart, I am followed by Jack, Kack, Lack, Mack, Nack, and Ouack. You counted right – I have six kids.
The average person who sees me and my brood might assume that infertility is the last of my problems. But, the average person would be wrong. There was a day when having many children was only a distant, and perhaps illogical, dream.
Overall, the first twenty-five years of my life went in a clockwork fashion. Perfectionist that I am, I earned good grades in high school, got into the school of my choice, spent a year studying in Europe, met the man of my dreams, and a few years into marriage, had our first baby. While I wouldn’t describe those years as “easy,” I usually got what I wanted. I usually saw all my plans to fruition.
However, that perfectionist go-getter in me got a real wakeup call in 1999. Our son was about eighteen months when I became pregnant for the second time. We hadn’t “planned” on having another baby just then, but it sounded exciting nonetheless. We shared the news with family and shouted it from the rooftops to anyone who would listen.
About nine weeks into the pregnancy, however, my body showed signs that all was not well in my womb. An ultrasound revealed that our baby had died. We were devastated. I still remember the look on my mom’s face when we returned home from the doctor’s office. Her face showed what I felt – complete shock. This cannot be happening to me!
In the process of “untelling” everyone we knew, we heard almost every condolence in the book. From “you can’t afford a baby right now” to “well, there must have been something wrong with that baby,” to “you can have other babies,” we heard it all. I was not always gracious in hearing these platitudes. I really didn’t care what the reason. I wanted my baby!
I reassured myself with statistics that say miscarriage is common. But, I just couldn’t believe it could happen to me! I mourned; I pitied myself; I questioned God’s goodness.
Right about that time, I heard a man on the radio whose family had experienced great tragedy. This father said, “We don’t trust in what God will do, because we don’t know what He will do. We trust in who God is.”
That so helped me! God was my Good Shepherd, the Great Physician, Almighty God. I could rest in those things. Unbeknownst to me, those were going to be important thoughts to hold onto over the coming year.
In the following eleven months, I conceived and lost two more babies. My husband and I experienced the full range of emotions as we journeyed through that year: shock, disbelief, dismay, anger, heartache, and finally resignation. Perhaps we aren’t meant to have more children, we thought. Perhaps our one precious boy really was our “one in a million.”
The doctors could find no medical reason for these losses. Each pregnancy ended at a different time. There were no commonalities. We paid for expensive genetic testing to find out if the odds really were against us. Again, there was no reason. Only God knew why we kept losing these children we so desperately wanted to hold.
My last miscarriage was complete on November 9, 1999. And I struggled with a hardness of heart. A close friend was due to deliver when I would have. I wanted to be far, far away when she welcomed her little one.
But over the months, God did a work in my heart. I realized that I was living so much for tomorrow and the babies that might be, that I was forgetting to enjoy today and the baby, the toddler, the preschooler that was. I was mourning my plans that didn’t happen instead of enjoying the ones that did. I soon was able to embrace the today. I came to realize that God really was the Good Shepherd, and that even though I could not understand why He did what He did, God had a plan for my life, and it was good.
Even if I didn’t get what I wanted.
I learned to trust Him. I learned to say, “I will trust you with my family size, even if that size is smaller than what I think is best.”
As winter receded, and spring started to green the earth, we were pleased to find out that I was again expecting. Was it too much to hope that this child would make it to birth? I had identified myself as “the lady that miscarried” for so long, I had become a little jaded. I laughed that the due date was November 9th, exactly one year after my last miscarriage. What a sense of humor the Lord has that He would redeem that day. And He did. Our second son was born exactly on his due date. And God forever redeemed November 9th in my heart.
From that time, the babies kept coming. We had our fourth son shortly after our FishBoy #2 turned three years old. Three babies in three years?! Wow! It was about that time that I read the words in Joel 2:25-26,
I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God.
It hit me that in a short amount of time, God took three babies. But, in a short amount of time, He restored three babies to us. Since then He’s blessed us with two little girls in addition to our four boys. What joy we have! Yes, my heart is as full as my mini-van. We have been blessed in plenty and we do praise His name.
Prissy old me would never have planned so many boys, but I am so very thankful that God did.
And in the midst of all that testosterone, I never thought I’d get to dress anyone in pink, but God did.
What a joy this journey has been! I am thankful that things didn’t go according to plan – at least not according to mine. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
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{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }
Loved this post so very much. You have a way with words, FishMama! And yes, "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord."
Happy Birthday, FishBoy8! Can't wait to see what incredible cake your mama bakes for you.
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Thank you for sharing your story. I believe I've heard it before, but it was nice to read it again. I have 2 little boys. I had a miscarriage between my boys and then took what I thought was forever to conceive again for my second son (of course it wasn't forever to God). I had to place my trust in God for my future.
Since my second son, I've had 3 miscarriages, with the last one being a little over a year ago. We have also had all the testing and found nothing wrong. I don't think that I can emotionally go through another miscarriage, so we have decided that our family is complete with 2 (unless, of course God says differently).
It was really tough to go through that period in my life, but I have found peace in the sovereignty of God. I may not know why my family had to go through the pain of losing 3 children, but God knows. He has a plan for my life. Plus, I can hold tight to the 2 boys that I do have
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This story is amazing.
“We don’t trust in what God will do, because we don’t know what He will do. We trust in who God is.”
Wow – I am moved beyond words…
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Beautiful story. Thanks for sharing it. I am due with my second next week. I feel so blessed, considering it took us nearly 5 years and many doctors, tests, etc. before we could finally conceive our first child. My heart goes out to anybody who has experienced or is currently experiencing the pain of miscarriage and infertility.
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What a wonderfully thought provoking post. I miscarried when my oldest son was 14 months old. It was so devastating. And yet, here I sit comforting my fussy 8 week old- my second beautiful boy- conceived about 3 weeks after my miscarriage (and God said, "surprise!"). I love the quote about trusting WHO God is… how powerful. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful testimony.
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I knew your story, but your words touch my heart so deeply. What an amazing journey God has led your family on. How blessed you are and how fortunate we are to have your shared faith and wisdom!
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Thank you for sharing your story. I recently went through a miscarriage after almost a year of trying to conceive and it was a very difficult process. But, as you've alluded, God always has a higher purpose in mind when we go through struggles which stretch us. Thank you again for sharing.
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I also have a baby in Heaven, one I lost at 9 weeks. But, I also have a precious son I get to hold in my arms every day, who is almost 2 years old. Aren't we glad that God's way is always better than anything we could have planned!
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Great, our God!
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I gave birth to one child, a daughter and then had 3 successive miscarriages as well. That led me to the path of adoption – one I had long dreamed of, but may not have undertaken if I had carried the others to term. Nine months after I brought home my daughter from China, I found out I was pregnant, and I didn't miscarry this one! G-d blessed us with a son. My favorite saying is, "Man plans. G-d laughs." We are so blessed with all three of our children! Happy birthday to your son.
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It's amazing how many of us have stories to share! I also struggled with infertility. Then came the pain of discovering, 18 weeks into the long-awaited pregnancy, that our baby had anencephaly. I was privileged to carry her, knowing that she would never live outside of my womb, until she was stillborn at 33 weeks.
Next came our now eight-year-old daughter, followed by a miscarriage, then our now six-year-old daughter. The biggest lesson we learned through those years? God is good; His character never changes. No matter my pain, my loss, my circumstances, God is good.
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Thank you for sharing , I miscarried many times in my youth , and lost a child with a birth mother when she was nearly 5 months before I ever had my son. It really tore me up inside , yet it made me so much more grateful for the children I now have.
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I hadn't read your story before. Thank you for sharing again. It's amazing how God shows us how big He is when we need to know it most.
My daughter married in May and we're expecting our first grandchild in June. Some people asked if it was planned and wasn't it too soon since they are both still in college. You know what I tell them? My first reaction on hearing the good news was "Thank you, Lord." See I struggled with infertility for four years. I didn't want my baby girl to have to go through all that. And praise God, she didn't. God's timing is perfect.
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I am actually due to deliver a baby today, and though that event doesn't look all that promising for today, I needed this reminder of how great God really is. I would like to add my testimony to yours that whatever happens may not on our terms, but God's and will always work out the way it is supposed to. Thanks for the inspiration FishMama.
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It's so hard in the moment to trust in the plan but, there is one. I am glad that your story has a happy ending:-)
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Happy Birthday 2 the little one! What a special story; thank you so much for sharing. Such stories of triumph are food for the soul (and we all know how well you cook!)
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning- Psalm 30:5
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You were the Lord's messenger today. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
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I just started reading your blog last week during your baking days. Thank you so much for today's post. I've been trying to get pregnant for 4 1/2 years. We long to have children and wonder why it doesn't happen. Thank you for the encouragement of your story. I love the quote about not trusting what God does but who He is.
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Thank you for sharing that. We are a year into our struggle with adding to our family with 3 losses (a single and a set of twins)both due to miscarriage. Your post has given me hope that it may not be the end for us. That scripture brought tears to my eyes and I thank you so much for posting it. I really appreciate all you've written!!!
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thanks for sharing that. i just found your blog last week. i too had many miscarriages. i love your quote about trusting God for WHO he is, not WHAT he does. if i was holding on to what he has done, i would be sorely disappointed. after 4 micarriages and many years of infertility, we concieved our son who was born with genetic disabilities. we tried for several more years but had a couple more miscarriages. now in our 40's and 50's we have our only special son. not what i envisioned 20 years ago, but a wonderful family, nonetheless. and I'm trusting God for who He is and that He knows what is best for us.
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What a moving post! Celebrating with you and so glad that God gave you the desires of your heart
Happy Birthday Fishboy!
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What a beautiful story! We never know what God has in store for us!
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Happy Birthday Fishboy8!
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I miscarried our first pregnancy 8 years ago this month. It was such a difficult journey. Though we never struggled with infertility after that, I have struggled with some very serious, life threatening complications during and after the births of the three children God has since blessed us with. Unless God sees fit to intervene (or change my husband's heart toward adoption), our family is complete. Our youngest is just 14 months old and it has been such a struggle for me to trust God in this journey. But I do know that our God is Sovereign and no matter what I think, He's got it all under control.
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That's neat
I saw that picture and instantly thought "Make way for ducklings!" Boy…we had a doozy @ the grocery store today–my boys actually climbed IN the ice freezer while I was in the checkout lane. My oldest went back for seconds. I think I may write a post about this…but haven't found the redemptive value in it yet 
Glad to know you can fit 6 kids in a minivan. We're still at three but hope to grow someday. Good to know we'll all be able to fit in the Caravan–keeps it more frugal that way since it's paid for
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Thanks for sharing your story, and happy birthday to your son.
I have 4 children, but have lost 4 as well. The first 2 miscarriages were between my first and second children. I went through similar feelings as you. I was focusing so much on the next child that my daughter's toddler years are a blur. God has richly blessed us and I am so thankful for each child I have. I have even made it to the point where I can thank Him for allowing me to experience the losses I have. While the losses of my babies have forever changed me, they have also allowed me to be more compassionate. After each miscarriage I have had a friend who has had to deal with a loss soon after. I know that God has allowed me to help my friends through their times of sorrow as a way to heal us all.
Again, thank you for sharing and I am sorry for your losses, but rejoice with you that today can be a happy day for you and your family.
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thank you for sharing your story! I can easily say "God is good" but I don't think I've been tested yet like you have. Praise the Lord for giving you so many!
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So glad that God brought you closer to Him through your loss! I have one 2 year old son, and we lost a baby in March (I say "lost" but it seems odd since I know where my baby is, and God is taking care of him!) . I am pregnant now again, and we are hoping to be able to meet this one. If you know of anyone else struggling with miscarriage or infertility, our church has a fantastic nouthetic counseling center, and has many resources available, both for personal counseling and just material resources. http://www.faithlafayette.org Click on the "Faith Resources" tab, and counseling materials on miscarriage or infertility would be under the "women" category, I believe. An obgyn and a nouthetic counselor both in our church have written a syllabus "Dealing with Miscarriage and Infertility" used in one of our church's Wednesday night classes by the same name. I know it sounds cold to take a class on something like that, but I did so before I lost my baby so that I could know how to help friends and loved ones going through those struggles. I was so glad that I had already been through that information and those Scriptures when we lost our baby! At any rate, I hope that someone else can benefit from it!
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I needed to read this one. Gives me hope for tomorrow. Can't help the feeling that we're not finished yet…
BUT — also reminds me that we have been incredibly blessed after three miserable years of infertility and a miscarriage.
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Wow. Reading this post and all the comments sure humbles me.
And this after I was blessed to take dinner to a dear friend who just had her second baby a few weeks ago… after miscarrying when I was pregnant with my second and then miscarrying again just after I had my third.
Seeing her pain was heartbreaking. But watching her hold that angel tonight brought tears to our eyes. And reading your story did the same.
I admire you even more, FishMama. I already knew you were amazing, and now I know you are even more so.
Thank you for sharing this.. and Happy Labor Day/ Birthday!!
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Beautiful! Just beautiful!
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My hubby and I have a precious little girl Gracie, and 2 babies that would have come after her,in heaven. We lost them both in the same year and like you I wondered if I could even have more children. We haven't yet and I am not sure now at 40 if we should. We are thinking about adoption. I love reading about redemption. Your family is beautiful.
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Thank you so much for sharing this! I was moved by your story of faith and your humbleness to share your feelings with us bloggie friends.
I experienced a miscarriage this past spring and it was devestating. We have kids who are 7 and 3 and thought we were done, but the Lord opened up our hearts to want another baby. About 6 months of trying and I got pregnant. We were overjoyed! We told everyone very early and then I lost the baby at 9 weeks. It's been a journey since then and the hardest part was understanding that yes…God did allow this to happen (to even me) I think we all think we are somehow exempt from it. We came to peace with God's lot for this baby. We named him, grieved for him and continued to move on with life, not really planning for another. In surprise we found out I was pregnant again in August, and this has been a "textbook" pregnancy as my doctor would call it. We've had to walk by faith and understand the the Lord has our good no matter what happens.
Thanks for sharing your inspiring story. Surely God has done a work in your life and blessed you. Prase God!
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What a wonderful story of praise! Thank you so much for sharing this from your heart and of all the lessons that you have learned. I love this quote, "We don’t trust in what God will do, because we don’t know what He will do. We trust in who God is.” And I'm going to hold on to it in uncertain times.
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Beautifully written and uplifting! Even though we all have trials there can still be light! Thank you for sharing this!
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Thank you for sharing this it really touched my heart. And I love that verse you shared because I really needed that as I am in the middle of the struggles with my heart.
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Thank you. This post was truly a blessing and an encouragement to my heart. I have experienced two healthy pregnancies and just found out I am pregnant with our third and I struggle with the fear that one of these times I will miscarry. I know it's all in God's hands, but I fear I would not be able to emotionally handle losing a child. Thank you for your words of wisdom and grace.
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What a wonderful testimony of God's love and grace. Thank you for sharing your heart.
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Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, followed a similar route. Tomorrow my #2 turns 11, twelve years after my last miscarriage. I now have 4 kiddos… 2 boys, 2 girls. God is loving and gracious. Happy Birthday to your son!
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Wow- I don't know what to say, except that I'm so glad I decided to take another 5 minutes and see what else you'd written (after the right on target Thanksgiving planning post!).
Jessica, you have articulated what so many women identify with- God has been glorified through you! Amen and Amen!!
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p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to YOU and to FISHBOY8!!
(in our family, we celebrate my kids b-days almost as much for me as for them because I "gave birth on that day"!)
good luck on the THORNAX cake!! My 8y/o was quick to tell me (and spell!) what that was!
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What an amazing story. Thank you for sharing it! I too miscarried with my second pregnancy and am now trusting in God to do what He has planned with our family. I gave birth to our third child three weeks ago and we are feeling very blessed!
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Thanks so much for sharing….In Aug I had my third miscarriage in 3 years…we were seriously thinking that we would do something permenantly so this would not happen again….but God has worked in our hearts and we are just trusting Him to see what happens. (Of course the "advice" from well-meaning others is to do something permenant…as I will be 40 in Feb…Hubby is 50) We have 4 children between us (ages 19-12). I am excited (and a little scared as we had been using protection with the last 3 pregancies and now we are not) to see what God has in store for us….and praising Him for what He has blessed us with.. I have 4 here on earth and 4 in Heaven! Thank you for your encouragement!!
Happy Birthday FishBoy8!!!!
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This is an amazing post. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
Hallee – mother of 3 after 8 pregnancies
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Thanks for sharing this wonderful story- I'm sitting here crying as I read it, holding my little girl in my arms (who I became pregnant with just one month after being devastated by a miscarriage).
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Thank you so much for this story. For a long time I would question why God would take away my babies. It wasn't until I trusted him fully, that I had peace. Yes he took six babies to heaven BUT he has blessed me here on earth with 10 wonderful children so far.
Someday I will see my babies and what a great day that will be… till then I trust him in knowing he has the perfect plan for me, and knows what the right size family for me is.
Hope Fishboy has a great birthday
Blessings-
Rachelle
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What a wonderful post! I'm sorry for your losses but thankful that you have grown through those trials and inspired by your testimony. I've always feared having a miscarriage and sometimes feel guilty that so many of my friends have and I have not. I always wonder if next time will be the time I miscarry since I already have healthy kids.
It's so neat how God worked it all out on Nov. 9th. What a special day for your family and a reminder of His work in you! I can't wait to see your cake.
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Thank you for sharing that.
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Thanks for sharing…gave my 12 month old an extra long hug.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am new to your blog and did not know about this journey.
I had my third miscarriage three weeks ago and the wound is still very raw. As I read your story last night you gave me hope. It touched me so much and it was very comforting to read your story and the other women who have shared their stories in the comments.
Thankfully, I have one son and my husband are beginning to think he really is our little miracle. I trust the Lord with this and know He has a plan but it is still vey hard.
Thank you agian for sharing and for all the information you post on your blog. I love it!
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My grandmother struggled with infertility in a time when there were no fixes for it. The only "fix" was to go on an adoption list. So she did and two adoptions fell through. When she was 36 and had been married many years (trying all along) she gave birth to my mother. She believed that she treasured my mother more after longing for her, praying for her, aching for her than she would have if she had just gotten pregnant easily.
I will say that this is exactly what I needed to read right now.
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When I posted this, it was really for my benefit. It's a wonderful reminder to me of what God has done in my womb, in my family, and in my heart. I am speechless that it has moved so many others. I didn't expect that. Thanks for taking the time to read as well as comment.
I am blessed.
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Thank you for sharing your story. We are trying for #4 and it's been 2 years of disappointment. I now it will happen when it is suppose to, but it is so hard to not have that control! You gave me some added hope that things will happen the way they are meant to!
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What a good post. I just followed your link over from another blog, and I am so glad I did!
How true what you were saying about enjoying what you have now, instead getting upset over plans that have not happened.
I have learned through heartache that God knows what is best to make us happy now if we would only cooperate! God bless.J
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Thank you so much for sharing. I too am going through trials with infertility and sometimes it's hard to keep faith and wait for His timing. You give me hope.
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Im so glad to have stumbled on your blog. You are so cheerful with so much going on in your life, its very uplifting. I have mentioned you in my blog..if that's okay.
http://mittaipink.wordpress.com/
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I just found your blog today and this post has me so confused in my emotions. I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter whom I love intensely, but I long for more children. 2-1/2 years ago I found out at my 16 week appointment that my baby had no heartbeat. It was a molar pregnancy I found out later (something I had never heard of before). I haven’t been able to get pregnant again and I struggle with trusting God that my family is complete. He is in control though. Thank you for all of your stories.
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Jessica Fisher Reply:
January 11th, 2010 at 8:39 pm
Marcie, I’m so sorry. I hope you found encouragement amidst the confusion. It is a hard time, I know. And so does God. My prayers are with you!
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