Loving the Woman Who Wants to Be a Mom
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Mother’s Day is just a week away. I thought I would bring back this old post of mine from 2008 as a reminder to reach out in love to the women in our midst who may be facing the challenge of not mothering their children.
Let’s remember the woman who wants to be a mom and is struggling in that area.
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There are women all around us who are feeling the aches of a lost child, a failed hope, a lost dream. You may know her, you may be her: the mom whose daughter died just days before her fifth birthday, the mom who’s suffering a second miscarriage in two years, the woman who yearns to become a mom, yet struggles with infertility.
Between my first and second children, I miscarried three times in the course of eleven months. While it’s true that I was already a mom, I desperately yearned to have more children. To become pregnant and to have it end abruptly was heartbreaking, over and over.
And over again.
Another sad but true fact about that time is that the very sight of pregnant women, friends or not, often had the power to prompt anger or resentment in me. I am sure I am not the only one who has felt that. There are probably women you know who struggle with that today.
Perhaps you are one of them.
I am thankful that God has worked that out for me, at least over that issue. Though it is a powerful reminder to me of the danger of envy. I’ve known many women for whom Mother’s Day was a horrible day to endure.
There are all sorts of platitudes that we can share with a woman struggling with issues of infertility or miscarriage. Believe me, I heard a lot of them. I’m not sure that there is a universal “great-way-to-respond.” But, as we approach Mother’s Day, there may be a woman in your midst for whom Sunday will be very difficult. Here are some thoughts about how to think about her situation:
Ask if she wants to talk about it.
I was really helped by the opportunity to share what happened to me. So if you’re not squeamish, offer to listen. (Thank you, Christina and Julie and Jessika!)
Take a surprise meal.
There were days when my motivation was at an all-time low. Since I love to eat, food was a great comforter to me — as long as I didn’t need to fix it. It’s a great way to show someone you care, provided that it doesn’t feel like a charity donation, but rather a joyful surprise.
Invite her (and hubby and/or kids) for a fun activity.
Being stuck at home can leave us focused on our sadness of state. Distractions and looking outside ourselves can be really helpful.
Include your friend in what you’re doing.
Pray for her.
I’m sure there were more friends praying for me than I knew at the time. God has brought great healing since then — and five more children!
Lift up your friend to the Only One who truly knows what she feels and what she needs.
Don’t be embarrassed that you have kids or are pregnant when she is not.
Children are a blessing! Don’t apologize for having children.
That said, try not to complain about how hard your life is. It may be really hard at times, but I would bet she’d give anything to have the trials you have. If she seems receptive, invite her to be a part of your day-to-day lives. This may be a little difficult to discern. Everyone is different, but be mindful of including her in your life.
Love her.
Call her. Just talk to her. Be her friend.
What can you do to love the woman who hurts?
How have others loved you? Share it in the comments.
*art – allposters
Just be mindful of your words. The things that people have said to me in church on Mother’s Day. Well, not intending to be malicious, sent me off to an empty room bawling. And I can’t remember the last Mother’s Day that I sat there. I didn’t cry my eyes out. These days, I find every excuse to not be there on Mother’s Day. I’m on the worship team, so today I sang, and then bolted off to go to work. The fact that I am just here because I was looking for anything as a comfort. I know this post is old, and probably no one will look at this, but it is helpful just to write.
Sending hugs your way, KJ.
beautiful words of advice xx
Thanks for posting this. I struggled for several years to have a baby. We eventually adopted 2 daughters but those years during which we were dealing with infertility and waiting to adopt, Mother’s Day was one of the hardest days of the year for me.
We lost our baby Thursday when i started hemoraging in target while shopping with our two youngest. I still grieve our son we lost in 2006 I can’t even begin to explain the giref I am experiencing now. I’ve heard over and over and over the last few days “At least you already have three amazing kids” Well yes I do and thanks for noticing but that certainly doesn’t take away the pain of the death of a child no matter how big or small they are. Sometimes it’s better if they just say nothing at all. But I give them credit. If they haven’t been through it they don’t know what we are going through. They are just trying to be kind in the best way they know how and I don’t think anyone ever means to hurt our feelings.
Oh Diana….I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a little one between babies three and four as well. Regardless of how many you already have, a loss is still a loss. Please take gentle care of yourself, Praying that you find peace. (((HUGS)))
Praying for you this week. May God meet you where you are and bring you comfort.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts. I have one child and am expecting another to show up in September. My sister, who has two children, and I were extra excited because she was expecting another one to show up in October. After being so close all our lives, what fun to be having babies at the same time! But her baby went to see Jesus instead of coming to see us. It has been a struggle to be pregnant when she lost hers. She’s my best friend, and I don’t know what to say about my baby to her. Very awkward. Time has helped with that, but it’s good to be reminded, like in this post, of the ways I can reach out to her and that I can still be real with her about my baby. Thanks, Jessica.