Marriage & Simply Being Together
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I am no expert on marriage. But, thankfully, I’ve spent the last 16 years married to Mr. Right-for-Me. It hasn’t been all fun and games. There have been rough times. We’ve been hacking a life together in the jungle.
But, whoever wrote those traditional marriage vows knew what he was saying: for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health. Indeed, it’s reassuring to know that someone’s got your back when times are tough — as well as when times are good.
Looking back over the years, I know that many of the hard times were the ones that strengthened our marriage. I know this is a gift. Not every marriage fares as well. I am mindful of that and very thankful.
And I continue to learn new things about my husband, each and every day.
Being Together
One important thing I’ve realized over time is that simply being together is vital to our marriage, to our friendship, to our sense of intimacy with one another. If we go too long without really talking and connecting with one another, there isn’t the sense of unity that we enjoy so much.
The days go by all too quickly and when I’m busy being chef, chauffeur, nanny, and housekeeper, it’s all too easy to let time with my main squeeze fall by the wayside. Date nights are great, but every day interactions can often count more than a night out on the town.
Here are some things that help me love my husband. They may — or may not — work for you. But, either way, I hope they’ll help you think about what does.
1. Start the day right.
I try to get up when my husband does. Not because he expects it; he most certainly does not. But, since I’m generally an early bird anyway, I try to stir from my cocoon in time to see him out the door. This helps us touch bases in the morning. Since I know he has a lot on his mind, heading into work, I try not to bombard him with too many nagging items. (I save those for emails. Ha!)
As he goes out into the big world each morning, I want us both to remember that we’re in this together and that I’m on his side.
2. Greet one another warmly.
When FishPapa comes home in the afternoon, I try to pause what I’m doing in order to welcome him home. If I were gone all day, I would enjoy the same thing in return.
He might go play with the kids or I might go back to whatever I was doing, but we’ve taken a few moments to reconnect.
3. Review the day.
A little “happy hour” snack or drink to share gives us both a chance to unwind and catch up on what’s been going on. It’s a wonderful transition from day to evening.
I’m finding that it’s also helpful if I start on whatever household chore I’ve been postponing all day. I have companionship while I work, making the task seem less of a chore, and he gets a chance to tell me what’s been going on or to catch up on what he’s missed while he was away.
4. Enjoy common — and not so common — pursuits.
I love sappy romances; hubs enjoys adventure. I was worried one day that our disparate tastes were really out there — until we watched the first installment of Sherlock. I was reminded of our common ground: mystery movies.
He doesn’t love Remington Steele like I do, but we’ve really enjoyed other mystery stories, including Wallander, Lord Peter, and the aforementioned Sherlock. Finding that common ground provides entertainment for us both.
And sometimes we just tolerate the other’s interests in order to be together.
If there’s baseball, football, hockey, golf, or NASCAR on TV, chances are good that hubs wants to watch it. While I could certainly live without all of the above, I’m learning to enjoy them with him. We chat during the game or race; I ask dumb questions or make snarky comments about the commercials, and we’re still together, even though we’re not doing my most favorite thing.
Likewise, hubs accompanies me to Target or watches that sappy movie with me.
5. Go to bed at the same time.
Now for obvious reasons, this is a good thing. (Just saying.)
But, I know that it’s also more companionable to turn in at the same time. We get another chance to reconnect, we discuss plans for the next day, we dream big dreams as the day ends.
These are NOT hard and fast “tricks to a happy marriage.” In no way would I prescribe a one-size-fits-all experience. But, these are ways that help me feel connected and in-tune with what’s going on with my husband. And maybe they might work for you, too.
How do you enrich your time spent with hubs?
In the weeks leading up to Father’s Day, I’m collaborating with a great group of bloggers to share ideas on how to “honor the man they call daddy.”
This week we’re sharing our different approaches to loving our husbands in how we spend time together.
Be sure to hop around and be inspired:
Great strategies. We are married for 16 years too, and these reminders are great. Quality time is difficult to carve out when there are kids, but it is so important for our relationship.
I have just recently started being up when my husband of 12 years goes to work. He works both nights and days, so our “schedule” if you can call it that, gets thrown off every week depending on what he is working. I have always greeted him at the door if possible with a kiss as soon as he gets home regardless of what I am doing, it only takes a second and it’s my way to say thank you for going out and working while I get to stay home with our children. Likewise neither one of us is allowed to leave the house with out a kiss good bye. We do most things together even if it’s not a favorite thing. I took up fly fishing, and I try to ride horses occationally but I always support his and the boys’ love of horses. My husband actually likes sappy movies so I’ve lucked out there. We alway try to go to bed at the same time, unless of course he’s at work then we can’t. I can say we’ve had rough times, 4 years of infertility, two boys that had Acid reflux and Colic, and LOTS of me being sick, recently we’ve been diagnoised Celiac so major life changer but we’re healthier. He’s always been by my side and we have a stronger marriage because of it.
I completely agree about going to bed/getting up together… it’s a little difficult for me (I work nights…hubby gets up with or before the sun) but when I’m not working I don’t stay up late… and I’ve started setting my alarm in the morning so I can at least say good morning from my pillow.
The thing I’m struggling with is slowing down or stopping when he gets home… that time of the evening is soooo busy. It’s a work in progress.
Great post by the way!
This post really resonated with me especially since my hubs seriously drove me crazy this morning. We both work full-time outside the home, have our children, a dog, house, and everything else to take care of. Life certainly gets stressfull. I do feel like we are able to handle it much better when we are working as a team. Also, it helps immensley when we work to make it a priority to spend quality time together away from everything so we try to get a sitter and go out to dinner about once a month.
Thanks so much for this post. It came just in time for our 3rd anniversary. Now 3 years is not time at all but alot has changed in 3 years. He works really hard with long days to provide for his family, and I am of course busy as a bee taking care of our 2 children, so i am always exhausted as well. (I am pregnant with our 3rd so, that contributes to the exhaustion, haha) I am just saying that sometimes it is hard to stay connected even after only 3 years of marriage, so to be reminded how important it is is great for me. Something I have always wanted to do, but i find so difficult is to wake up when he does. I would LOVE to send him off and tell him I love him every morning. I always think about it, so maybe i will give it a go. He is the WAY early bird, and I am the the farthest thing from it. haha. Again thanks for this wonderful post!
@Amber, Maybe you can leave him little surprises… sweet nothings… like little notes or a treat that he’ll find when he’s up and around in the morning. I usually sleep later but my honey loves it when I set up coffee the night before, that’s ready on a timer when he gets up.
Thanks for writing this- it’s a topic I always put when you have surverys. Great points and ideas. 🙂
We recently realized that as soon as we put baby to bed we’d plunk on the couch and turn on the TV. Our relationship started to suffer and become rather strained and we tried to break the habit of our own free will but to no avail. We finally made a joint decision that for however long necessary we needed to cancel our cable service. It’s already made a huge difference, I honestly don’t even miss it which is surprising to me. And we are really able to talk and communicate things that are on our mind that before would have seemed insignificant but we are realizing now are very important to our unity.
This was so encouraging to me! Thanks for sharing!
I love that happily surprised look my husband gets on his face when I’ve taken the time during football season (the only sport he really goes crazy over!) to plan special foods for “football nights”. And when his Saints went to the Superbowl two years ago, I made sure to go all out!
He doesn’t even have to say thank you, I can see it in his eyes.
completely agree with your list — especially go to bed together. I was always writing one more blog post and hubs would turn off the light w/o me – I didn’t realize how much he’d come to resent the computer because it was stealing his time. Even if it was pillow talk or just cuddling — I wouldn’t want him someplace else than in our bed when I went to sleep! Great point.
Although we are not always able to do the same things you’ve mentioned, we text each other or call during the day, share new music we’ve recently heard, and try to hold hands often like we did when we were dating.