Reflections on Pregnancy Loss
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This weekend we celebrated our miracle baby’s 12th birthday. Every year it gives me pause to see how much time has passed and how our family has grown — in size and maturity — since the evil year of 1999.
For those of you just tuning in, here’s the short version of my miscarriage story. We entered 1999 very excited and hopeful over the pregnancy of our second child. Our firstborn was just 18 months; our babies would be about two years apart. By the end of January, I found myself shoveling my garden in a misty rain, tears over my miscarriage mingling with the rain, anger hiding in the thrust of the shovel into dirt.
In May I was pregnant again. By the end of June, the doctor diagnosed a “blighted ovum”.
In August we said, “third time’s the charm, right?” Wrong. In November, I started spotting and the heart beat was gone. An ultrasound tech went against procedure to show me how she was absolutely positive that our baby was dead. She knew I needed that. A week later, on November 9th, I had a D&C.
I was a lost and bitter woman. My losses defined me. I had such a hard time understanding why this had happened to us.
A year later, on November 9, our second son was born. Today he’s a clever, witty, fun-loving twelve-year old who makes us laugh on a regular basis. God gave our family four more kids after him.
I still don’t understand how God works.
In the last few months I’ve watched three sweet, yet long-distance, friends lose their own babies, one as far along as 24 weeks. I weep and I shake my head because I don’t get it. Again those tears that I cried over a dozen years ago fill my eyes again as I remember the pain of that loss.
I don’t get it.
Yet, I don’t have to get it. I’m not God. I know He has plans and reasons and mysteries that aren’t mine to know.
Do I feel an added kinship with my friends? Yes, I do. Bittersweet, though it is. I hope they know they aren’t alone in how they feel, however that might be on any given day. And I pray for their healing as others once prayed for mine.
Even though my houseful of rambunctious children has eased the heartache of losing those earlier babies, I know that I wouldn’t have these younger four without having lost those three. We probably would have stopped at two children if life had gone according to my plans.
Now I have six. My cup, indeed, runneth over.
I know that is not the case for everyone. I know that sometimes no other babies fill the void of a pregnancy loss. Maybe that’s not even possible anyway. I do know that God heals the hurt. He redeems it in odd, unknown, unpredictable ways.
He makes us more like his son. And that is very, very good.
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
Kelly,
I am so sorry for what you are giong throug
I am praying for you and your husban.
I’m so sorry for your losses. I lost one of my twins at 29 weeks of pregnancy. My surviving twin is a beautiful, rambunctious 4 1/2 year old little girl. I also have an 8 year old daughter. It hasn’t been an easy road and I miss who my son would have been and how different our lives would have been. I try to count my blessings and celebrate my girls who amaze me everyday. I can’t help mourning not only my son but not having the opportunity to mother twins and watching my little one grow up without her twin.
I am a mother of seven, four here on earth- three who passed on. I read this post with tears in my eyes, and love in my heart knowing how sharing our stories with others is always the best medicine for this unspeakable pain. Blessings to you all.
One of my children went home in 1995 -he dies of SIDS. At that time, much like you did, we thought that we had “planned” everything out. My husband ended up reversing his vasectomy and I went on to have two more boys. It’s so hard sometimes to have faith but that was one of the many things my little two month old taught me with both his life and my temporary loss(and I do believe my soul will find his to thank him for all the lessons his life taught me.) The imprints people make on each others lives don’t necessarily correspond to the time we have here. While I recognize that I miss the possibilities my son’s life here what of meant I trust God will love and care for his soul as he does with each of his children and that he was in my life here on Earth for the exact amount of time he was meant to be here.
I’m so glad you were able to have those rainbow babies brighten up your life. I wasn’t granted any rainbow babies myself.
I am so sorry.
The timing of this couldn’t be better. Our Thursday ultrasound revealed a diagnosis of a blighted ovum at what should have been 12 weeks. I was a nervous internal wreck for the 3 weeks prior as I sensed something wasn’t right. We have had such an outpouring of God’s peace and support from family and friends which has really helped heal some of this deep disappointment and sadness. The best part has been the love I have received from friends who also miscarried. I feel like I am now in a special club that I never wanted to be part of…but going thru it with dear friends who can listen, pray, and share hope is beautiful.
Angela, I am praying for you also right now. I am glad that you are surrounded by friends and family who understand the disappointment and sadness. When we lost our baby, I was also amazed at how all of sudden I learned of other women who had experienced the same thing, and I’d never known about it.
I love these pictures of your kids – personalities runneth over too! : ) I feel like God taught me how to grieve and how to comfort others through my own loss. He taught me to be still and hold a friends hand at a time when words don’t really work. I’m thankful for that. God also saw fit to bless us with three kids to my heart’s delight. He has never made us walk thru this life alone. Praise His name!
Hi Jessica,
Thank you for sharing this story. You most likely don’t remember me, but a few years ago you sent me a very encouraging e-mail after Crystal Paine (our mutual friend) told me to contact you after I had lost 4 pregnancies. You were so encouraging to me. Well, I know have TWO beautiful girls and I will NEVER forget your kindness and well wishes. God is so good.
Love to you!
Elizabeth
Yeah! What a wonderful bit of news! I am so very happy for you. 🙂
i’m touched by God’s timing in all aspects of our lives. how precious that fishmama shared this post at a time when dear hurting, grieving and healing mama’s needed it. what loving, hopeful encouragement given by sisters who understand the pain, the ????s and the loss. He is faithful and knows what will grow our faith and how He will grow our families. thanks, jessica. thanks, sisters.
I went through 7 years of fertility treatments after having cancer.. the drs finally said I would never be able to have kids.. So I lived my life… a bit recklessly for about 6 months… I just didnt care anymore…only to be seriously sick for weeks on end and went to the dr thinking my cancer had comeback.. I was 16 weekes pregnant.. I ended up having an emergency C-section when he was 35 weeks… When they opened me up they discovered he was a twin. Because the baby had died at only 12 weeks and I didnt find out till I was 16 weeks the skeletal system never hardened. I was devestated.. My heart was broken alot of people didnt get it. They said I had a healthy baby and that I had never known about the other one anyway… literally my own mother said that to my face.. I still hold that little angel in my heart and look at my little man and wonder does he feel the loss…does he know something is missing. I feel it especially today because its his bday… I have since had another healthy son… and then a miscarriage…and now I am 30 weeks pregnant with a little girl.. I count my blessings.. I have healthy babies…but it doesnt mean my heart doesnt ache for my angels ones too.. Thank you for sharing your story..and not understanding.. I dont understand sometimes either..but I know the plan is bigger than I can see..