When Do You Say When? Part One in the Series
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I’ve been mulling this topic around in my head for weeks. Readers have emailed or commented and asked the question in various forms. I, personally, have also wondered about it.
When Do You Say When?
Prior to my last delivery, I thought I was “done” having children. But, by the time my doc came to discharge me, I wasn’t so sure. I don’t have a hard and fast answer, but I’m thinking through it, talking about it with my hubby, and wondering. Since others are asking me, too, I’m bravely venturing forth to broach the topic here.
I gain such good insight from our “from the heart” conversations here. So, I’m hoping we can “talk” about it over the next couple weeks. If you think you have “a hard and fast answer,” I trust that you will kindly and gently communicate it to the rest of us.
No two women have the same history or experience. We cannot really walk in each other’s shoes. That is an understanding I’m gaining as I get older. In my twenties, I thought I knew everything. And I didn’t keep it a secret.
Now, I’m learning how very much I don’t know. Back then I also believed I controlled my life. Hmm….Today I thought I would tell my story of how I learned how much I don’t control.
Our Story
I never planned to have six children. Who does?
In fact, at one point I had sworn off marriage and children completely. Then I met Mr. Right For Me. Building a family with him sounded wonderful — not just because he was strong and handsome. But, also because he listened to me, challenged me to grow, and loved children. He knew how to get down on their level and be gentle. I knew he would be a great father.
When we were newlyweds we debated over whether or not to have two or three children. He said two. I said three. A missions trip to Honduras had him saying four and had me staring with my eyes bugging out. Regardless, in today’s society, any number we were considering was “large.”
But, our thinking was that we got to choose. In our premarital counseling we were warned to double or triple up on birth control. We were to dictate how and when we would start a family.
And with our first child, that is certainly how it appeared. I got pregnant within two weeks of our deciding we were “ready.” My pregnancy was pretty uncomplicated. And we went home with our little bundle of joy in the ignorance that all first-time parents share. Life was moving like clockwork.
A few months after our firstborn turned one, I became pregnant. This wasn’t “planned” in the true sense of the word. But we were excited about the prospect of growing our family. And we shared that excitement with everyone we knew. I found a great midwife and expected that life would continue “like clockwork.”
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Unwelcomed surprises
When I started bleeding at nine weeks, I jumped to panic mode. A call to my midwife left me hoping that it was “just implantation bleeding.” However, an ultrasound the next day revealed that the baby had died. I remember heading to the bathroom to relieve my full bladder and seeing more blood.
This cannot be happening to me.
We had left my mom in charge of our son. They came outside as we drove up the driveway. I remember the look on her face as we told her the baby died. And, the thought still makes me tear up. She was shocked.
This cannot be happening to me.
We decided to let my body naturally miscarry, rather than have a D and C. The midwife said it would probably be complete in a day or two. It actually took a week. It was late January, rainy season for California, but also the time of year when you can get the ground ready for planting. I remember heading out to dig in the garden, trying to pass the time, waiting for the nightmare to be over.
No matter what I wanted, no matter how hard I prayed, I could not save this baby. I could not change my circumstances. I could not control this. But as smart as I think I am, it took more than one loss to teach me this.
I lost a baby in January. I conceived again in May and lost that baby in June. I became pregnant again in late September. That baby died in November. Each time I ate all the “right things.” Did all the “right things.” But there were still things that were out of my control.
This cannot be happening to me.
Do we get to have our way?
Let us not be arrogant to think that things will always go according to our plans. You know this. But, we forget it when we think about planning our families.
Obviously, that is not the end of the story. But, I wanted to lay some groundwork in thinking about “when we say when.” Let’s not kid ourselves that it will go exactly our way. Instead, let’s walk humbly as we think about having babies, building families.
The Lord certainly humbled us in 1999 when it didn’t go the way we planned it. But it granted us such thankfulness for our one child, and such great joy for the ones that He later gave us.
Have things not gone according to your family planning?
How have you seen good fruit from that? Please share it in the comments. And, please, due to the sensitivity of this topic, let’s use our “big girl” words. Looking forward to “talking” about it.
The conversation continues…. Part Two,
We planned our first — born Jan. 2008. We planned our second (first try!) — born July 2009. And we announced to everyone that our third would be arriving in Dec. ’10. HA! It’s Oct. ’10 and I’m not pregnant. 7 months in…nothing. But I’ve felt God whispering to me the whole time. Not yet…it’s not time. I’ve watched nearly ALL my friends have babies or get pregnant (literally, 4 of the 5 women in my playground either had a baby or got pregnant in the last 4 months). And God whispers, “That’s my plan for them. Not my plan for you. Wait.” I am okay with this. Truly, I am at peace. I know my time is coming soon. I felt that God was telling me that perhaps Oct. ’11 might be the right time, so…here’s to hoping that, whenever it comes, it is perfect and in God’s timing. 🙂
great post. touch subject (as I said in my latest post) thank you for this! We have 2 under 2 so far and feel convicted to let God plan our family. you can read more at my blog. blessings, katie
I waited (on God) a long time to get married-I was 29. My husband wanted to wait at least a year to conceive. I really wanted children, but I agreed to follow his lead. Used NFP, but broke the thermometer. We basically did nothing about it and I got pregnant after being married 3 months. We enjoyed him so much and he was such an easy baby, we decided to let whatever would be, be. When he was 10 months we got pregnant with twin girls. I do not enjoy pregnancy and especially when there are 2 in there! After labor, I said “I am not doing this again”. Well, God is the one who decides this, because he said, “Oh, yes you are!” We conceived twin boys 10 months later. So, in 2.5 years we had 5 children (the last two against my will, haha). But now we could not imagine life without those two boys. And we are happy our oldest boy has brothers! But being that I spit out two at a time, and I’m now
38, we felt blessed enough and God gave us peace to have the vasectomy, and He provided it free of charge (whole other story). I appreciate that we are individuals and that God deals with us personally, leading each to do what He has planned-even if we don’t understand it. He is a perfect Father only doing what is best for us and what brings him glory.
FishMama, thanks for your transparency and willingness to host this discussion. It's a hard one for me.
I'm the oldest of 6 kids, a life which I absolutely loved, despite the financial challenges. I feel that living that way taught me a lot about how to adapt & grow. Plus 6 kids is just super fun! We love getting together now that we're all older. I always wanted at least 4 children, but deep in my heart closer to 6. Your children are so blessed!
Long story short, in 5 years, I have had 4 losses and 2 children. (1 loss, then my son, then 3 losses, and most recently, my daughter) My dr could not give me a reason for the recurrent miscarriages prior to the birth of my daughter.
My husband just could not take the possibility of another loss & said "we're done." I have a history of taking a long time to begin my cycles again after a loss, so we assumed we had time to decide if we would do vasectomy, tubal, etc. Well, God had other plans. 6 weeks after our loss, we became pregnant unexpectedly with our little girl who is sleeping in her bassinet next to me. Our miracle baby!
That being said, it was discovered during my pregnancy with her that i have a genetic blood clotting disorder that "could" have been the cause of the 4 losses and difficult & complicated deliveries. (had a placental abruption among other things, led to c-section).
Here's the question I am pondering: what to do when the husband & wife do not agree on this topic? I mean, obviously God wants us as wives to submit to our husbands' leadership. But on a topic as important as your family size shouldn't the wife have some say or input? My husband whom I love & respect dearly says he cannot face the possibility of another loss or a definite complicated pregnancy, though now that I am diagnosed & my blood disorder is treated, chances of loss are small.
I am still praying that the Lord would direct our steps.
Wow, great comments, great questions, great conversation going on here. I’ve been out of town, so that’s why I’ve been quiet. I don’t even need to think of future posts. I would say the comments here have generated the topics to address in the coming weeks.
Thank you to those who’ve offered counsel as well as those who’ve shared their experiences. Katy F., I would echo JessieLeigh. She’s a wise woman
Katy F.,
In my opinion, when to start a family is a very personal decision. Personally, I think you’re very wise to want to strengthen the marriage first… people who think having children will FIX a marriage are the ones I worry about.
I married in 2001 and had my first child in 2005. In my case, it wasn’t so much because of a need to strengthen the marriage, but my overall belief that we should enjoy each stage of life because there’s no going back. I loved being my now-hubby’s girlfriend. And I enjoyed that role for almost four years (we met in college). When I got engaged, I cherished being his fiancee. And when we married, I wanted to fully enjoy my new role of “wife” before adding mother to my list. You can’t go back- once you have kids, you have kids. : )
For me, waiting a few years was a wonderful thing. By the time I got pregnant, I felt I had fully appreciated being part of a married couple and was ready to move on. And, just for an age reference, I got pregnant at 27, gave birth at 28 with my first.
I don’t know any details of your circumstances and I can’t offer advice on how to make things more “right” in your marriage… but I think open communication with your husband and with God will be a good place to start.
Many blessings and best of luck to you…
My problem is “when to say when” it’s time to START having a family.
My husband and I married in 2005, and I had no idea that I would want to wait as long as we have to start trying. I keep pushing it off, because I feel like something isn’t right in our marriage. I cry a lot, because I WANT children, but I just can’t move forward.
So, as I turn 29 next week, I’m now starting to worry that my “perfect plan” to have three kids is slowly drifting away. Who knows if I am even ABLE to have children?
I’d like to hear from those of you who might have waited, like me. Is it worth it to wait and get the marriage on solid ground first? Am I playing God here? Am I setting myself up for failure and heartache?
I’m sorry if I’m taking a detour from the original topic, but I’m desperate for advice.
Thank you for this topic. It is the very question I have been asking myself “when to say when?” Our planning did not turn out as we thought either. We agreed to be married 4 years then we would get pregnant. It took us almost 2 years to get pregnant, nothing changed or we did different it was just God’s timing not ours. Then I became pregnant when our first was 1 and I lost that baby at 10 weeks. We have had two more beautiful boys since then and I really feel the desire to have at least one more child. My husband is not so sure at least not right now. I had to laugh and remind him it is not our plan. Though I do wonder about whether or not I will have to make myself be “ready” for my family to be complete. I love being a mom and love my boys so much that I think if I did get to plan I would have a lot of children. We will see what God has in store.
I consider myself one of the "fortunate" ones regarding family planning: I really was alright with the idea of a) never getting married & b) never having children of my own. BUT, I wasn't really ever OK with never having children in my life…
I was 32 at my wedding. Since hubbs & I had known each other for nearly 8 years in a platonic relationship, we were really comfortable with the idea of "trying to conceive" within 6 months of marriage. I used birth control after we got married, but it made me sicker than a dog (should have been a warning to me!!) so after 3 months we chose other methods of birth control.
We found out we were pregnant with our first child 2 weeks after our first anniversary – woo hoo! And then the next 9 months were filled with puking, more puking, life changing puking – ugh. Pregnancy was absolutely nothing what I thought it would be. The birth experience was terrible.
Thankfully we have an incredibly healthy now 2.4 yr old boy. During the last year we went through the book "Experiencing God" in our small group & (thankfully) both of our minds were changed in regards to using any method of birth control. I agree with a previous poster, it is a personal decision. But for us, we simply could not justify it in any realm.
Honestly, it was a load off my heart when we made the decision to simply enjoy each other, enjoy our family – 1 child or many – & to give God the freedom to choose when or if we were to conceive again. Part of the reason it was a burden removed was because I could not decide whether we should move towards adoption, try to conceive another child, or be content with the 1 child we already have (& that keeps us busy enough!!).
When we decided to let God lead us in the direction He desired, then the decision was no longer ultimately mine. If adoption is in our future, we are trusting God will lead us. Currently, I am in my 12th week of our 2nd pregnancy. After walking through infertility issues & miscarriages with close friends, I now know to take absolutely nothing for granted. But I am so thankful I can trust that God will provide if a storm is to come with this child. That He will be what we need if this is our last child or the 2nd of many.
I do believe that if I were 26 rather than 36, then the decision to not do birth control might be a bit more challenging. But I also have 3 dear friends who used birth control for years, "told" God, basically, that they were "ready" to conceive on their timing, & His timing ended up being muuuuuuch different. And for 2 of them, they are still waiting to see what exactly God has in store for them when it comes to even starting a family.
This is such a sensitive topic but one that is so important to discuss. Thanks for listening!
Great post. I have never had miscarriage issues, but I have struggled with infertility. I dreamed of having my kids no more than three years apart. My first son took nearly 2 years to conceive and I was only 23 when I had him. Then I tried for the next three for another child. When I hit the month they would be more than three years apart I said I was done trying. Then I got pregnant the very next month…moral to me…it is God who decides not I. Then my 3rd son took only a year to convcieve. My husband is 10 years older than I and he felt we were done. But he did not want to do anything permanent and I am an all natural girl—-no pills going in me day after day. So we knew we were not preventing it, but we honestly did not imagine it would happen, since I took chlomid to conceive all of our other children. Again God showed that he decides those things….Miracle #4 came.
I would love to have more, but I truly don’t have the space. We live in a three bedroom home, my husband is 45 and simply feels to old to be having more. He made the decision and had a vasectomy.
I still ache for anther one, but I have come to terms with his decision. We have said that perhaps some day we will take in a foster child. We both feel if we have the space and can provide a child a home, if even temporarily we will.
I envy the Duggars. God has blessed them and it is great that they know they are a blessing. So many people today look at kids as if it something they can control. Only God controls these things and we should trust him with it.
I have lots of relatives who were on birthcontrol for years and now are struggling to concieve. I know if they could go back in time and change those decisions they would in a heartbeat. I am not saying no one should ever use birthdontrol…I feel it is a personal decision. I just feel that the companies and doctors are not disclosing all the information regarding birthcontrol and the effects it can have on ones ability to conceive when they quit.