Helping Those Dealing with Pregnancy Loss
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Pregnancy loss can be such a difficult experience. It’s an important opportunity for us to help friends and family dealing with that loss.
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One of the most significant seasons of my life was 1999 when we experienced three miscarriages. We already had one child and were desperate to have a second. That year was a roller coaster of emotions, to be sure. It wasn’t until the end of 2000 that we finally did bring a sweet baby to term.
Over those 23 months or so from our first miscarriage to our second son being born, I was often confronted with some tough questions, one of them being:
So, when are you guys gonna have another baby?
Usually the speaker was a distant or casual acquaintance who had no idea that we were struggling in this area. And, quite honestly, I didn’t always answer the question in the nicest way. I can still remember the stunned look on a school secretary’s face when I very bluntly told her the truth.
One thing it taught me was that it is hard to know what to do or say when a friend experiences pregnancy loss. It’s humbling. It’s sad. It’s awkward.
Despite my history of repeated miscarriage, I still fumble over my words in my hope to “make things better.” Everybody deals with grief in a slightly different way. And I can be afraid to make a mistake. It’s so easy to make a mistake!
That said, here are some things that I found helpful.
Helping Those Dealing with Pregnancy Loss
1. Realize you can’t make it better.
As much as we want to heal our friend, bring back the heartbeat, change the diagnosis, we can’t. Only God really knows the whys and wherefores. And nothing we can do or say will change the harsh reality that a baby has been lost.
2. Listen.
It really helped me to be able to tell my story. I’m thankful for the girlfriends who didn’t mind hearing the gory details. They listened as I processed. They asked questions. They tried to make sense along with me of this wild experience that women have walked through together for eons.
3. Provide practical help.
Whether it is physical incapacity or mental strain, it can be hard to focus on household chores and meals when one is mourning the loss of a baby. Offer to bring a meal, either homemade or a take-out pizza or their favorite Chinese.
Something as simple as organizing the freezer so mom and the family knows what’s available can be a great help. Offer to do laundry, watch kids, or just hang out.
No, these things aren’t going to make it better. But, they do help ease the journey.
4. Watch your words.
Ouch. That one stings, doesn’t it? I am probably not the one to give advice in this department because I am constantly putting my foot in my mouth.
On the other hand, I did hear some of the wildest things during my miscarriages that the speakers probably never intended to hurt me.
- There was probably something wrong with the baby.
- Well, you can’t afford a baby right now, anyway.
- It’s better this way.
These aren’t always the most helpful of words. I would have taken those babies in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.
Less is more in many instances. And sometime a shoulder to cry on is more valuable than a well-meaning platitude. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Just do it wisely and slowly.
Try to communicate:
- I love you.
- I’m sad with you.
- I want to walk through this with you.
I don’t think there is a “right way” to console a grieving friend.You know your friend better than I do. But, as I look over the years, I realize these are the things that helped ease the pain a little bit.
God has done the rest.
What has been your experience with pregnancy loss?
This post was originally published on September 7, 2010.
In 1976 I delivered a 5 and a half month daughter who lived only 1 and a half hours. She weighed 1 and a half pounds. I heard her weak cry when she was born but they rushed her to the incubator and she laid there trying to breathe. Thankfully I never saw that. I did get to hold her when she died. Nowadays she would probably have survived. It was the worst time of my life. She was our first and I thought I’d never be able to have kids. Back then people didn’t talk as much about things like that so I was hurt when some people didn’t even recognize she had lived. Someone did say, “It’s for the best because something was probably wrong with her.” That is the worst thing to say. We did go on and have 2 children. A boy who is 32 now and a girl who is 30. I still remember my first on her birth and death day though and I know I will see her in heaven.
God bless, Kathy in Illinois
We lost a baby during my second trimester and received a lot of criticism from family and friends for holding a funeral, despite the fact that our baby was born alive.
I wrote about our experience here – http://busymommymedia.com/2010/04/why-is-infant-loss-taboo/
I just recently had a second ectopic pregnancy after waiting and praying for 18 months. What’s really helped for me is that three weeks later my friends and loved ones are still checking in on me and praying for me. Knowing that they are grieving with me means the most.
My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage. It was our first attempt to get pregnant. Two days before the “heartbeat” ultrasound, I began to spot. By the weekend, my baby was gone. I don’t think it matters if you lose the baby at 9 weeks (like I did) or at 9 months….a loss is a loss. That child was a life created by God. He knit that child together and He knew all the days that were written. My child is being raised in Heaven, without the knowledge, pain, or suffering of this world. And one day, I will meet that child in Heaven, and he or she will know I was their Momma. I have a child here on Earth as well. He is 2 and a half, and is the joy of my heart.
Going through my miscarriage was one of the darkest times of my life. It also opened my eyes to the things we say to women, some of them you mentioned. I no longer ask women about whether they will try to get pregnant, will have another, etc. You never know who is suffering through infertility, who had a miscarriage and isn’t talking about it, etc. Thank you for sharing this article.
Amen to that! People try to “make it better’ but often make you feel worse. I lost a baby- would have been my 2nd- on my sister’s birthday and days before her HS graduation. We had a second child about a year later- but I still mourn this loss. We had just announced that we were expecting- and then lost the baby. People said stuff like- it’s better it happened early, or you can always have another. That doesn’t bring back a child I will never know til i get to heaven.
I lost our 3rd baby back in December 09. Despite being 8 months pregnant with another sweet baby, I am still mourning the loss of that child.
I have learned that for me, the only true comfort and peace that I have received has come from my relationship with God. Certainly my husband, friends and family have been wonderful too.
I have also learned that everyone experience grief and loss in very different ways. I will NEVER tell someone again that “I know” how you feel, because I do not.
The best thing for me has been to be able to talk about it when I need to, be allowed to show my emotions, and just know that my loved ones are there to support me and my husband. Dinner brought to us from a dear friend was also a very kind and loving gesture.
Sometimes it is just best to ask, “What do you need” “How can I love and help you during this time? And let the person tell you what they need.
Blessings
I highly recommend the book Free to Grieve by Maureen Rank. It helped me tremendously, especially with the insensitive comments of others. We’ve been through this experience multiple times. I’m so thankful for the three healthy children the Lord has given us, and I’m convinced that He allowed me to suffer through those difficult times so I could minister to other hurting ladies…even though I never quite know what to say.
Thank you for voicing these things I’ve felt for so long. In 2004, at the same time as our sons autistic spectrum diagnosis, I lost our 3rd child at 18 weeks, then went through a d&c , then we lost out 4th baby, Samuel, at 20 weeks and had to be induced with that loss. After struggling for 2 years of infertility after that, we thought we were through, and that we would be the parents of 2 children on earth and 2 in heaven. So that’s when the good Lord blessed with the baby, she is 2 1/2 now, and we appreciate her all the more. Thank you for letting us give voice to those babies we have lost.
My husband and I have suffered through two miscarriages and the kindest thing that anyone did for us was my mother-in-law brought over dinner one night. I was shocked by how simple and how deeply loving that act was, and I have made it my mission to love other families in this same way!
I have also recently stumbled across a new website where parents can share their stories of grief and loss, and I have found comfort by not feeling so alone. facesofloss.com
Thanks for writing this article, the more awareness that we can shed on the pain of miscarriage, the fewer stinging comments we may have to endure.
One thing I have learned is that everyone deals with miscarriage differently. Personally, I don’t like to talk about it and would prefer that everyone act like nothing happened. But that’s just me. Talking about it makes me feel a thousand times worse. I guess my advice is to just follow the lead of the person who experienced the loss.
Thank you for posting this. I lost my daughter at 26 weeks gestation 5 years ago and it still stings when I hear some comments from people who just don’t know any better. Today would’ve been her first day of kindergarten, so I’m really emotional today and have spent the day growling. I’m very sorry for your losses.
@ter@waaoms, Almost 7 years ago I lost a nephew (pretty far along in his mom’s pregnancy- 7 months I think) and I still mourn things like his first day of kindergarten, every Christmas how old he would be and how much more fun Christmas would be with him there. I am sorry for your loss and send huge hugs.
@MrsD05,
Thank you. I’m sorry for the loss of your nephew as well.