Helping Those Dealing with Pregnancy Loss
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Pregnancy loss can be such a difficult experience. It’s an important opportunity for us to help friends and family dealing with that loss.
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One of the most significant seasons of my life was 1999 when we experienced three miscarriages. We already had one child and were desperate to have a second. That year was a roller coaster of emotions, to be sure. It wasn’t until the end of 2000 that we finally did bring a sweet baby to term.
Over those 23 months or so from our first miscarriage to our second son being born, I was often confronted with some tough questions, one of them being:
So, when are you guys gonna have another baby?
Usually the speaker was a distant or casual acquaintance who had no idea that we were struggling in this area. And, quite honestly, I didn’t always answer the question in the nicest way. I can still remember the stunned look on a school secretary’s face when I very bluntly told her the truth.
One thing it taught me was that it is hard to know what to do or say when a friend experiences pregnancy loss. It’s humbling. It’s sad. It’s awkward.
Despite my history of repeated miscarriage, I still fumble over my words in my hope to “make things better.” Everybody deals with grief in a slightly different way. And I can be afraid to make a mistake. It’s so easy to make a mistake!
That said, here are some things that I found helpful.
Helping Those Dealing with Pregnancy Loss
1. Realize you can’t make it better.
As much as we want to heal our friend, bring back the heartbeat, change the diagnosis, we can’t. Only God really knows the whys and wherefores. And nothing we can do or say will change the harsh reality that a baby has been lost.
2. Listen.
It really helped me to be able to tell my story. I’m thankful for the girlfriends who didn’t mind hearing the gory details. They listened as I processed. They asked questions. They tried to make sense along with me of this wild experience that women have walked through together for eons.
3. Provide practical help.
Whether it is physical incapacity or mental strain, it can be hard to focus on household chores and meals when one is mourning the loss of a baby. Offer to bring a meal, either homemade or a take-out pizza or their favorite Chinese.
Something as simple as organizing the freezer so mom and the family knows what’s available can be a great help. Offer to do laundry, watch kids, or just hang out.
No, these things aren’t going to make it better. But, they do help ease the journey.
4. Watch your words.
Ouch. That one stings, doesn’t it? I am probably not the one to give advice in this department because I am constantly putting my foot in my mouth.
On the other hand, I did hear some of the wildest things during my miscarriages that the speakers probably never intended to hurt me.
- There was probably something wrong with the baby.
- Well, you can’t afford a baby right now, anyway.
- It’s better this way.
These aren’t always the most helpful of words. I would have taken those babies in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.
Less is more in many instances. And sometime a shoulder to cry on is more valuable than a well-meaning platitude. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Just do it wisely and slowly.
Try to communicate:
- I love you.
- I’m sad with you.
- I want to walk through this with you.
I don’t think there is a “right way” to console a grieving friend.You know your friend better than I do. But, as I look over the years, I realize these are the things that helped ease the pain a little bit.
God has done the rest.
What has been your experience with pregnancy loss?
This post was originally published on September 7, 2010.
After reading the comments, it’s still amazing to me how many ladies do miscarry–not just once, but multiple times. My husband and I struggled through three miscarriages in 2006 and they were devastating. I wanted to hug on the two we already had and never let them go. I have been reminded over and over again how intricate our Creator has made us and how everything has to be so “perfect” for a baby to be born full term. The one thing that helped me work through all of them was just reading Psalm 93 over and over again–to know that our God is still reigning on His throne and will be forever. That brings more comfort to me during any trial (not just loss of babies, but anything) than anything else.
I have two children with me on earth and 6 children in heaven. Each miscarriage has been a different experience and each time I have wanted something different from the people around me. An earlier commenter said that we should follow the lead of the person experiencing the loss when it comes to our own responses and I totally agree with that.
For me, one of the most painful aspects of repeated miscarriage is what it does to my feelings in subsequent pregnancies. The first time I found out I was pregnant I was thrilled. I danced around with the pregnancy test and made plans to tell my loved ones in exciting ways. Since that first pregnancy, which ended in loss, I have not been able to respond to a pregnancy test that way. I am not excited when I find out I am pregnant, I am terrified. I live in fear of the ticking time bomb that is my body for the whole first trimester.
I recently found out that I am pregnant for the 9th time. I have told no one (except my husband, of course) and I don’t plan to tell anyone for weeks. I am sad that miscarriage has stolen my pregnancy joy and I pray every day that God would soothe my wounded spirit and help me to trust in His master plan.
@Kristin, I had 6 miscarriages before I finally had my son who is now 6 I felt the exact same way I wanted to feel joy but I was TERRIFIED that I would lose the baby. My son was born perfect in every way! 4 years later I found out I was pregnant and the fear was even worse this time, I knew this time around how much I LOVED the baby and I am happy to say I have a 2 and 1/2 yo little boy. I would love more children but the fear of losing another one is too strong.
Thank you for this post… it is a GREAT thing to make others aware of how people who have been through this are feeling. It’s obvious that everyone handles it very differently. My husband and I suffered our second miscarriage this past June, (here is a link to my blog entry if anyone is interested in reading my story http://threesacharmingirlville.wordpress.com/2010/06/20/this-week-heaven-got-a-little-bit-sweeter ) With me, I wanted to talk… I wanted to share, I just really wanted to help someone else through my circumstances in some way. I had been through it twice and wanted good to come out of my child’s short, short life inside my womb. People weren’t as receptive as I thought they’d be, I think simply because of the lack of knowledge on how to handle something like this. For me, I had to suffer, I had to grieve, but I HAD to get my story OUT to heal! And I was eventually able to. I think people sometimes don’t realize how BIG of a deal this really is… it’s a life lost by two parents. Even though I was only pregnant for 12 weeks with this baby, it was MINE and I loved it! I had witnessed it’s heartbeat, I’d read every week about what was happening with it… it’s not something to be taken lightly and I really don’t think you can fully understand unless you’ve walked that path!
Again, thank you for your post, I think it will be very helpful for others and most importantly, I think it was very necessary for people to read! 🙂 God bless you and your sweet, sweet family!!!
I wrote a miscarriage series last year sharing our experiences in hopes of helping others.
I’m amazed at how common it is; I had no idea!
We lost our very first baby, Isaiah and I was unprepared, shocked and consumed with grief! But He is in control and there were many good things that He used our loss to accomplish.
I apprciate the feedback here; obviously, women process the grief of miscarriage and stillbirth differently. I have lost 4 to miscarriage. I heard a few of the painful comments, but I think the hardest thing for me was that I didn’t feel like I was permitted to grieve by some of my friends. “Just move on and get over it” was the message from some. I am sure partially we got that message because we had 5 children when we had our first miscarriage so already had a “full house.” I wanted to be permitted to grieve the death. I wanted to talk about it. But felt like I couldn’t with some. I know it is a tough topic, but still…
I would also say, don’t forget the father! My husband’s grief was doubled, tripled, quadrupled with our first miscarriage because no one came alongside him. I got a little support, he got NONE. It was really painful, like just because he didn’t carry her, he didn’t grieve her death.
But she was his daughter as well as mine. And by the way, all 4 mcs have been by 10 weeks so we’ve never known gender for sure, just had a sense from the Lord one way or the other. But it was still very painful. I would think, not as painful as a later loss but thankfully so far we’ve never lost one later in the pregnancy. I’m 28 weeks pregnant now with a baby we hope will be our 7th living child, after 3 mcs last year. I was terrified to get pregnant again and indeed it was a surprise from the Lord, and by His grace she has survived so far and all seems well. I still feel some concern after last year, but most of me is full of hope and a faith we’ll welcome another little girl in 3 months.
I think the most horrible thing said to me was from the hospital minister… he had no idea what I was there for and had me explain what was going to be done (s/c). He then said “Oh… you mean like you are having an abortion?” I was so incredibly upset! Thankfully, he didn’t stay courtesy of my husband.
What a beautiful post- from the comments, we can all see that miscarriage is very common- most women have stories- this should teach us to tread lightly and compassionately. Everyone’s journey is different. In my opinion- it WAS harder for my sister to lose her first daughter to SIDS at 5 months than for me to lose a son at 20 weeks gestation- just an opinion- with this subject matter, the best thing to do is to let the woman mourning to set the tone.
We lost our 3rd daughter at 33 weeks gestation and it was heartbreaking and shattered my world as I knew it. I didn’t leave the house for nearly 6 weeks and my friends set up a system so that someone was always leaving a meal for my family and was able to sit and visit if I wanted company (which I did!). I also had help with coordinating rides/activities for my other children. I loved being able to talk about our daughter and my experience in my own time and I have friends who still remember her birth date. It means a lot that she has not been forgotten. About one year later I had another miscarriage and then when we had all but given up on adding to our family we were blessed with our son who is now 2 1/2 yrs old. I wish for peace for all of you who are missing your angels.
This is really great advice, Jessica. I also lost three babies, although mine were interspersed between my four girls, and I’ve been hit with stupid comments all along the way.
After my first, a neighbor stopped me in the road and just said, “I’m sorry. That sucks.” I know there are lots of people who don’t approve of that word, but it was so befitting, and I appreciated it more than anything else anyone said or did because, truly, it DID suck.
I’m a lot like Emily E. I did not want to talk about it. I personally think the best thing that you can say is simply “I’m sorry.” That’s it. You can’t make it better. The most hurtful thing that anyone ever said was when my own mother said that maybe I wasn’t really pregnant.