Helping Those Dealing with Pregnancy Loss
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Pregnancy loss can be such a difficult experience. It’s an important opportunity for us to help friends and family dealing with that loss.
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One of the most significant seasons of my life was 1999 when we experienced three miscarriages. We already had one child and were desperate to have a second. That year was a roller coaster of emotions, to be sure. It wasn’t until the end of 2000 that we finally did bring a sweet baby to term.
Over those 23 months or so from our first miscarriage to our second son being born, I was often confronted with some tough questions, one of them being:
So, when are you guys gonna have another baby?
Usually the speaker was a distant or casual acquaintance who had no idea that we were struggling in this area. And, quite honestly, I didn’t always answer the question in the nicest way. I can still remember the stunned look on a school secretary’s face when I very bluntly told her the truth.
One thing it taught me was that it is hard to know what to do or say when a friend experiences pregnancy loss. It’s humbling. It’s sad. It’s awkward.
Despite my history of repeated miscarriage, I still fumble over my words in my hope to “make things better.” Everybody deals with grief in a slightly different way. And I can be afraid to make a mistake. It’s so easy to make a mistake!
That said, here are some things that I found helpful.
Helping Those Dealing with Pregnancy Loss
1. Realize you can’t make it better.
As much as we want to heal our friend, bring back the heartbeat, change the diagnosis, we can’t. Only God really knows the whys and wherefores. And nothing we can do or say will change the harsh reality that a baby has been lost.
2. Listen.
It really helped me to be able to tell my story. I’m thankful for the girlfriends who didn’t mind hearing the gory details. They listened as I processed. They asked questions. They tried to make sense along with me of this wild experience that women have walked through together for eons.
3. Provide practical help.
Whether it is physical incapacity or mental strain, it can be hard to focus on household chores and meals when one is mourning the loss of a baby. Offer to bring a meal, either homemade or a take-out pizza or their favorite Chinese.
Something as simple as organizing the freezer so mom and the family knows what’s available can be a great help. Offer to do laundry, watch kids, or just hang out.
No, these things aren’t going to make it better. But, they do help ease the journey.
4. Watch your words.
Ouch. That one stings, doesn’t it? I am probably not the one to give advice in this department because I am constantly putting my foot in my mouth.
On the other hand, I did hear some of the wildest things during my miscarriages that the speakers probably never intended to hurt me.
- There was probably something wrong with the baby.
- Well, you can’t afford a baby right now, anyway.
- It’s better this way.
These aren’t always the most helpful of words. I would have taken those babies in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.
Less is more in many instances. And sometime a shoulder to cry on is more valuable than a well-meaning platitude. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Just do it wisely and slowly.
Try to communicate:
- I love you.
- I’m sad with you.
- I want to walk through this with you.
I don’t think there is a “right way” to console a grieving friend.You know your friend better than I do. But, as I look over the years, I realize these are the things that helped ease the pain a little bit.
God has done the rest.
What has been your experience with pregnancy loss?
This post was originally published on September 7, 2010.
Thank you for bringing this back from the archives. The message, sadly, will be one that is needed year after year. We lost 4 babies between 1997 and 1998, the one being an eptopic pregnancy that required emergency surgery. No one in our circles knew to do any of the things you have mentioned, and tried to speak helpful words that were.not.
I definitely don’t hold any hard feelings toward people in that time. And am hoping to that I’ve learned to help shoulder the pain as this hard thing continues to happen.
And time has brought healing.
Thanks for sharing your story, Michelle. I’m sorry for your losses. :/
I’ve never had miscarriages myself (I have 3 kids), but I have 2 different friends that had miscarriages after having multiple children, one when she already had 3, and another when she already had 5. They both got the comment “well at least you have the other kids”. I can’t fathom why people think that would be ok to say.
I think that it is, unfortunately, a symptom in our culture not to think of the unborn as people. While folks may not admit it, that presupposition is in the back of their minds. As a mom of many, I meet a lot of people who can’t understand why we would ever have more than two.
I lost my son last May at 37 weeks and it has been the most heart breaking thing I have ever had to go through. Unless someone has been through it they don’t understand it and can’t be sensitive to it. From more than one person including family I have been told to “just get over it”. I have just learned to breathe and walk away before I say things I don’t mean. Thanks for this post! And I’m sorry for everyone that has had a loss, hugs to all of you!
Virtual hug coming your way. Thanks for sharing with us.
Thanks for this timely post. A friend of mine just experienced a miscarriage and another is having difficulty getting pregnant after many heartaches (1 baby lived 55 minutes after birth, 2 healthy babies, then an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage). I’ve often wondered how to comfort/help and this post is very practical in this way.
It still breaks my heart when I think of my grandmother having a stillborn after 5 healthy pregnancies. No funeral. Little support. You just didn’t talk about such things. My dad finally figured out her name many, many years later. Sharon will always be remembered. The aunt I never knew in this life.
The worst comment I’ve ever seen was “It wasn’t a real baby” – simply because it was an early miscarriage. How wrong they are!
One difficult part is not being hard on the fathers when a miscarriage doesn’t affect them the same way it affects the mother. Some have a harder time bonding with a baby before it’s born. Some just grieve differently – instead of seeming sad they can be angry or even stoic. They need support too.
I’d also like to thank you for posting this. I’ve been thinking about writing something similar on my blog. I’ve had 4 miscarriages (and one 3 year old boy!), and I know people definitely don’t know what to say anymore (nor did they to begin with). I have trouble asking others for help, so I greatly appreciated those times when friends called and said, “I’m bringing dinner. What day is best for you?” instead of asking if there was anything I needed. Obviously, everyone’s situation is different and everyone grieves differently, but that was my preference. I also heard some really crazy things from well-intentioned friends (and from my OB/GYN…you’d think he’d know better!).
Thank you all for sharing. My husband and I are currently going through what you of all have been through. On July 29 of this year I gave birth to my daughter at 22 weeks of gestation. She was our first. She was too little and too premature for the NICU. I held my little girl as she quickly passed away. I was diagnosed with having an incompetent cervix. There was no warning sign until it was too late. I am really having a rough time dealing with our lost. I have just started back to work this week. While I now people mean well, by the end of the day I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach a thousand times by their comments.
We too suffered two early miscarriages and I am walking with a friend through a similar situation of miscarriage and infertility. Thank you for this reminder. The worst thing we heard was from our doctor (who we promptly dropped and found a pro-life doctor) who claimed, ‘well, you weren’t REALLY pregnant anyway’. The best came from our pastor who said in two words exactly how we felt….’this sucks.’ Yep, not the most inspiring words, but I’ll never forget it and how comforting that was at the time.
Thank you for posting this. I lost my first in July this year and it was a very difficult thing that I’m still struggling with. I was lucky to have a very supportive husband and family to get me through it, but now I have to deal with the emotional and psychological healing. After going through the ups and downs and trying to cope, I’m realizing that I feel better when I talk about it and share instead of hiding it like it’s a forbidden secret.
We lost our second child at about 16 weeks, our fourth at about 5 weeks, our 7th somewhere around 10 weeks, and then we quit trying to share our losses with anyone else because its just too hard to explain when everyone says “But, you can’t get pregnant.. you had your tubes tied.”
After our first miscarriage a lady who didn’t even know us, but attended my in-laws church, mailed me a book called Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt. That book was a god-send, and a comfort, maybe the only comfort at the time that I did have, as most folks avoided us like the plaque out of not knowing what to say, or how to act.
Pregnancy loss has been probably the most painful experience in my life, to say the least. I chalk it up there with losing my mom. You have things you think you have time to say sometime in the future, and then that chance is gone.
I have friends and family who have also suffered the same losses and feel the same rejection from folks who lack understanding… folks who can’t show compassion because they lack experience… folks who don’t know that the best and maybe only comfort is simply holding your hand and sitting quietly, or LISTENING while you grieve. We have a closer relationship because our shared grief brought us together. We have a kinship of loss that binds us.
2 Corinthians 1: 3-5 says “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.” This scripture has been such a blessing to me! It’s one I share with others once healing has begun and words are welcome.