Helping Those Dealing with Pregnancy Loss
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Pregnancy loss can be such a difficult experience. It’s an important opportunity for us to help friends and family dealing with that loss.
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One of the most significant seasons of my life was 1999 when we experienced three miscarriages. We already had one child and were desperate to have a second. That year was a roller coaster of emotions, to be sure. It wasn’t until the end of 2000 that we finally did bring a sweet baby to term.
Over those 23 months or so from our first miscarriage to our second son being born, I was often confronted with some tough questions, one of them being:
So, when are you guys gonna have another baby?
Usually the speaker was a distant or casual acquaintance who had no idea that we were struggling in this area. And, quite honestly, I didn’t always answer the question in the nicest way. I can still remember the stunned look on a school secretary’s face when I very bluntly told her the truth.
One thing it taught me was that it is hard to know what to do or say when a friend experiences pregnancy loss. It’s humbling. It’s sad. It’s awkward.
Despite my history of repeated miscarriage, I still fumble over my words in my hope to “make things better.” Everybody deals with grief in a slightly different way. And I can be afraid to make a mistake. It’s so easy to make a mistake!
That said, here are some things that I found helpful.
Helping Those Dealing with Pregnancy Loss
1. Realize you can’t make it better.
As much as we want to heal our friend, bring back the heartbeat, change the diagnosis, we can’t. Only God really knows the whys and wherefores. And nothing we can do or say will change the harsh reality that a baby has been lost.
2. Listen.
It really helped me to be able to tell my story. I’m thankful for the girlfriends who didn’t mind hearing the gory details. They listened as I processed. They asked questions. They tried to make sense along with me of this wild experience that women have walked through together for eons.
3. Provide practical help.
Whether it is physical incapacity or mental strain, it can be hard to focus on household chores and meals when one is mourning the loss of a baby. Offer to bring a meal, either homemade or a take-out pizza or their favorite Chinese.
Something as simple as organizing the freezer so mom and the family knows what’s available can be a great help. Offer to do laundry, watch kids, or just hang out.
No, these things aren’t going to make it better. But, they do help ease the journey.
4. Watch your words.
Ouch. That one stings, doesn’t it? I am probably not the one to give advice in this department because I am constantly putting my foot in my mouth.
On the other hand, I did hear some of the wildest things during my miscarriages that the speakers probably never intended to hurt me.
- There was probably something wrong with the baby.
- Well, you can’t afford a baby right now, anyway.
- It’s better this way.
These aren’t always the most helpful of words. I would have taken those babies in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.
Less is more in many instances. And sometime a shoulder to cry on is more valuable than a well-meaning platitude. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Just do it wisely and slowly.
Try to communicate:
- I love you.
- I’m sad with you.
- I want to walk through this with you.
I don’t think there is a “right way” to console a grieving friend.You know your friend better than I do. But, as I look over the years, I realize these are the things that helped ease the pain a little bit.
God has done the rest.
What has been your experience with pregnancy loss?
This post was originally published on September 7, 2010.
I was amazed when we lost our first child (10 weeks) how many women came out of the woodwork to talk about their miscarriage experiences. Even my mother, who had only briefly talked about it before, gave me all the details of her one m/c.
The worst comment I heard was “well, you can always have more”. Really? I’m 38 years old, we’ve been married 12 years, and this is my first pregnancy. Um, ok.
Thankfully I had found a website early on in my pregnancy that listed some of the things not to say to a woman who has lost a child. For some reason it helped me when I actually heard them later – like I was already prepared and could brush it off easier.
I can completely relate to those that have a tough time getting excited for subsequent pregnancies. I am currently 25 weeks (a complete surprise), but it’s only in the last month or so I’ve started to dream of the day when my baby is born.
Well I had a mc way back in 97 my youngest at the time was less then 6 months.Being young I didn’t know what was happening at the time .My MIL and SIL both didn’t believe me. Who in the world would make up something like that? My hubby had just gone in to get fixed like the week before.I was already preg before he had gone in I told them. Far worst was when my son (Jason 19 yr) died in a car accident 8 yrs ago Aug 23,02 along with 4 other kids. I CAN”T even describe the pain we went through.It took me 3 yrs just to feel normal again. I was one of the lucky parents,one of the others lost their 2 only boys.The first 2 yrs the whole family and friends remembered him now only just a few . Like a handful .Even my own MIL hasn’t thought to call for like 6 yrs around the time.Never visits the cemetary.Shes only like 17 miles from me.It hurts very much still that out of sight out of mind.Because it hasn’t happen to any other family members they just don’t know.Yes I’ve said something ,it doesn’t work.As you can guess we aren’t close.I thought we were.My other SIL says I shouldn’t expect them to remember that I’m setting my self up for heart ache.How can I not he was my first born my only son at the time? We have gone on with life and adopted a sib set of 4. 2 girls(14 1/2 & 12) and 2 boys (7 and 5 1/2 ).when they came 5 yrs ago Steven was only 4 1/2 months he’s now just started kindergarten .I’m 48 and am enjoying being a second time around mom.My little kids have made life so much sweeter and I’m VERY blessed. My older(birth) girls 26,24 have given us 3 grandbabies also to love.
I’ve had 3 miscariages, 2 before the birth of my 1st child and 1 after the birth of my second. For me it was shockingly eye opening to find out after my 1st misariage, just how many women that I knew had also been through this experience. After my second, a woman from my church called me and shared that she had been through 7 miscariages (she also had 3 children). Her name was Jessica, and she shared some of the feelings that she had experienced through this trial. She helped create a safe place for me to share my fear (that I would never carry a child to term), my anger (at everyone and everything), my frustration, my grief and my desperation. She provided hope, an understanding ear and no judgement of the feelings that I was experiencing – even the very ugly ones. I can never repay her for that. I couldn’t share many of these emotions with my husband as he was so devestated by the loss at the time, that my reaction would have crushed him under the emotional weight of it all.
I have had 3 miscarriages in the course of my childbearing journey. I had my first miscarriage at 15 weeks, after 4 normal pregnancies. It was discovered during a routine ultrasound, and I experienced a sense of shock and disbelief. I never expected, somehow, that something so many women experience might happen to me!
I dealt with it over time, and agree that it is so difficult to know how best to grieve with a friend. Everyone processes loss differently. I think that just being available, offering practical help, and allowing the mom to lead the way is very valuable.
After not really thinking about this for awhile, reading through everyone’s posts brought tears to my eyes. I think we become more compassionate as we experience our own hardships.
Thank you for posting this. When I went through my miscarriage last year, I don’t think anyone knew what to do with me. It was one of the worst times in my life and yet hardly anyone asked me about how I was doing for the longest time. If they said anything it was often “it was for the best”. Really?!? How was losing my baby for the best?? I lost the baby at 9 weeks but agree with a previous poster, I don’t think it matters WHEN you lost the baby. A baby lost is a baby lost.
The miscarriage inspired me to try and help others in this situation. I created my website, angelbracelets.org, and our mission is to raise money for pregnancy and infant loss organizations through the sale of our special bracelets. We also have a Resources page which includes some helpful articles for friends and family (wish my friends and family had had it when I had my miscarriage).
@cherie, Very good post and very good comments. There are so many of us out there who have lost babies and/or struggled with infertility. My husband and I have five living children now and four with the Lord (two single miscarriages, one loss of a twin, one premature baby who lived 10 days.) And believe it or not, we started out struggling with infertility for three years. Even with a house full, I still remember all of those emotions of infertility and the loss of children. It was so helpful for me to hear from other women who have gone through similar circumstances. Sometimes it’s easy for us to feel like we are the only one who has ever felt this way! Some books that have helped me tremendously over the years are “A Deeper Shade of Grace” by Bernadette Keaggy (very helpful in regards to infertility), “Roses in December” by Marilyn Heavilin, “I’ll Hold You in Heaven” by Jack Hayford, and “Treasures in Darkness” by Sharon Betters. I would recommend these books for any woman who has suffered in this way or who wants to be a good friend to another going through these issues.
Wow, God’s timing is amazing. I lost 2 babies last year and the healing has been a long process…one I thought I had completed until yesterday morning. It was our first day of school and as I began the day in prayer dedicating my plans to the Lord, memories of last year’s first day of school flooded back – that was the day I began to suspect I was loosing my baby. The only thing that got me through our school day was God speaking to me as I read our morning devotion aloud at breakfast. (Ps. 37 Trust in the Lord…rest in Him) Praise God for His grace! And then your blog post. Thank you for sharing…the more I get to know you, the more I like you! God has used you to bless me!
I know what you mean about people saying things that hurt. The hardest things for me, however, was feeling like no one remembered. My babies were no less real than if they had died after birth, but with miscarriage it is too easily forgotten by others. I want my babies to be remembered! They have names & birthdays, they are a part of my life unlike any other.
So many sad stories – sigh – won’t bother with my own – just wanted to add a couple of comments.
1. I totally agree with taking the cues from the grieving parents – however be aware that they may not be talking about how they really feel – so find some way to ask something like, “do you want to talk about it? or would you rather not? and if so do let me know if you change your mind – I’ll listen anytime”
2. Do share your story with a grieving parent if you can – just that you’ve experienced it unless they ask for details – especially for young women, the statistics are meaningless – it doesn’t end the grief to know so many have had such a loss but it does make you feel less alone.
3. I have found, in my far to frequent experience with friends and my personal experience, that there is a significant difference between those miscarrying after they have a child or before they have had any successful pregnancies. Those with primary infertility issues may withdraw as much as possible from situations where children will be present – be understanding – but at the same time don’t let them isolate themselves completely either.
My FORMER doctor said “it wasn’t really a baby” oh yeah, well, it sure felt like one and since I had to deliver my daughter, so yeah, it really was a baby!
I will say, our local hospital had a loss group especially for miscarriage and stillbirths. That was helpful because I could just cry and the other moms knew… they just knew and I didn’t have to explain a thing. The facilitator was good, and she worked in L/D and that helped alot. Too bad more hospitals don’t offer this community outreach.
Although the internet is great, this is one time, for me, that was better to have a place to drag myself out of the house and just deal with my grief.
@Judy,
I’m gonna add, I was at one of the world’s “best” hospitals and a resident was attempting to deliver our 19 week gestation daughter because of an incompetent cervix and she was breech and lets just say, I delivered her in pieces and then had to have an abortion because they “didn’t get everything”.
Yeah, I’m bitter, 5 years later. God had his reasons… a few months later, I had a abnormal pap and found precancerous cells, 1 LEEP later, and 1 round of IUI on the 1st try, cerclage, a worry riddled pg, and FF to a wonderful 3 yo DD.
Just wished more women could talk about it.
Thanks so much for writing this post. I appreciate your perspective- even though I have not experienced miscarriage, it has happened to three women in my church group this summer. I try to watch my words very carefully when I speak to someone who I know is going through this. People think that they mean well but can say some pretty stupid and hurtful things. Really, who understands these things on this side of eternity? The last time a friend miscarried I took her and her husband some chocolate chip cookies. As you say, nothing can make the pain go away, but I can do a simple gesture to simply let her know that I care.